Most of us are interested in ways to decrease stress, improve sleep, and stimulate brain growth and memory. And yet, research shows that silence does all of this and more. In a world where we carry our favorite music in our back pocket; engage in long-distance conversations anywhere, anytime; and listen to podcasts, audio books or funny Youtube videos on demand, silence is often elusive.
A recent study indicates that not only is silence difficult to find, but we actively avoid it. In an experiment where individuals were given the choice of sitting in silence with their thoughts, or inflicting an electrical shock upon themselves, the results were surprising. Even though participants had previously stated that they would pay money to avoid being shocked, 67% of the men and 25% of women chose to inflict it on themselves rather than sit quietly and think for 15 minutes.
As we head into the busy holiday season, it is important to prioritize making some time for silence and rest. While it can be difficult to carve out or choose time for solitude and reflection, there are a few key reasons for us as leaders to do so:
1. Healthy Relationships
Relationships are critical to our health and wellbeing. In today’s busy, digitally-driven world, our longing for deep relationships is greater than ever. Often we substitute noise and a sense of connectedness for true relationships. Writer Johnathan Franzen describes that “our infatuation with technology provides an easy alternative to love.” Ironically, it is often silence and solitude that allow us the understanding and peace to engage in deep, caring, healthy relationships more regularly. Thomas Merton, in No Man Is an Island, explains: “The man who fears to be alone will never be anything but lonely, no matter how much he may surround himself with people. But the man who learns, in solitude and recollection, to be at peace with his own loneliness, and to prefer its reality to the illusion of merely natural companionship, comes to know the invisible companionship of God. Such a one is alone with God in all places, and he alone truly enjoys the companionship of other men, because he loves them in God.”
2. Effective Leadership
Leaders today are confronting increasingly complex problems in ever-changing environments. More than ever, we need time and space to clear the clutter from our minds and focus on the challenges we confront. Author and speaker, Sarah Ban Breathnach, explains, “Usually, when the distractions of daily life deplete our energy, the first thing we eliminate is the thing we need the most: quiet, reflective time. Time to dream, time to contemplate what's working and what's not, so that we can make changes for the better.” Kate Murphy, in her article, No Time to Think says, “You can’t solve or let go of problems if you don’t allow yourself time to think about them. It’s an imperative ignored by our culture, which values doing more than thinking and believes answers are in the palm of your hand rather than in your own head.” I would add that sometimes the answers are whispered in our heart. When we fail to listen, in silence and solitude, we may miss the best answers to issues we are facing.
3. Identity and Purpose
In a study by anthropologist Emily Martin, an eleven-year-old girl from a broken home, who bounces between three households, explains that in each of these households the rules are different and so is she. Her identity, like that of many of us today, is defined by an external context. This translates easily into the virtual world, where our identities can be fluid and adaptable. Unfortunately, this also makes us vulnerable to confusion, depression, and a lack of confidence. Silence and reflection is the space where we can listen to our own heart and identify our identity and purpose. Carl Sandburg describes this beautifully when he says the following: “A man must find time for himself. Time is what we spend our lives with. If we are not careful we find others spending it for us. . . It is necessary now and then to go away and experience loneliness; to sit on a rock in the forest and to ask, 'Who am I, and where have I been, and where am I going?' If one is not careful, one allows diversions to take up one's time—the stuff of life.”
As leaders, may we prioritize silence and reflection, benefiting from the rest and understanding that come from these disciplines. More importantly, may we model these critical practices for those younger than us who are in danger of living lives full of noise and distraction, without understanding the beauty and healing of silence and solitude.
The following is a guest contribution written by Gen Zer, Ariana Chaparro:
I have seen so many conversations and debates over text message turn into ugly arguments because of miscommunication. Texting has become one of the most prominent forms of communication, especially amongst the younger generations, but with that comes many good and bad things.
One of the best qualities of text messaging is how easy it is to reach out to people. Instead of writing letters or waiting to use a house phone to make a call, we can just send instant messages whenever we like. That can make relationships (whether work-related or personal) much easier to form and manage. However, one of the negatives is how easy it can be for those relationships to be damaged by a misunderstanding through a text conversation.
I'm in a group chat with a couple of friends. We like to have conversations and debates about different topics like politics, pop culture, and religion. While many of these tend to be lighthearted discussions about our perspectives, they can get intense. Sometimes we misread a message, or the punctuation and emojis make it hard to understand the tone of someone's comment. Maybe one of us accidentally skips over the part of a text that would have changed the whole conversation. These can lead to confusion, frustration, and sometimes anger, especially if we feel like something was said as an attack towards us when that's not what the other person meant. Things can get very messy, very fast.
When we meet up in person or get on a phone call, things get cleared up so quickly. We can explain our meaning without reading between the lines or trying to figure out the tone the other person is using. Arguments that might have gone on forever over text can be solved in minutes over the phone or in person because it's so much more effective to express ourselves without the screen as a barrier.
In some cases, we can use our screens as a barrier on purpose. We're afraid of showing emotions through our voice and face, so we hide them through texting. We feel as though we have more control over the situation when we can take our time replying and rereading everything that was said. I'll admit, I am guilty of this. It can be so much easier to speak your mind online than having to face another person in real life. We feel almost protected by the virtual wall that is between us and others. Being comfortable hiding behind this wall isn't healthy. It can cause tension and resentment towards others because we are not expressing how we feel correctly.
While it's usually more convenient, texting is not the best solution to handling disagreements and conflicts with others. Yes, it can be easier. Yes, it can be more comfortable than facing another person. But shouldn’t we be okay with being uncomfortable for a short amount of time rather than losing friendships? Or risk hurting others and ourselves? Or being in a place of frustration and resentment because we cannot bear to lose this feeling of control we have?
Next time you are talking to someone online or through text messages, and you get into a disagreement, pause for a second. If this is important to you, take the time to call that person or reach out to meet face-to-face. It might be uncomfortable, but it's better to solve these problems in a healthy way, rather than in an easy and possibly harmful way.
Dr. Jolene Erlacher is a wife, mommy, author, speaker, college instructor and coffee drinker who is passionate about empowering the next generation of leaders for effective service!