​A recent study revealed that 18 to 22-year-olds are the loneliest age group today. There are a variety of factors that contribute to this troubling statistic. One, of course, is the prevalent use of technology in our society today. While devices help us connect to people in new and beneficial ways, there are some drawbacks. Empathy, for example, has decreased as technology has increased. One study reported that college students are 40 percent less empathetic than they were 20 or 30 years ago, prior to the widespread use of the internet. Screens dull our ability to feel the pain and joy of others and to connect with them emotionally. This presents a threat to deep, committed relationships that are impossible to maintain without continuing empathetic interaction.

While Millennials and Generation Z are especially adept at communicating online, valuable intimacy often gets lost in virtual communications. Quantified Communications reports that an average adult today makes eye contact between 30 and 60 percent of the time in conversation, but emotional connection is built when eye contact is made during 60 to 70 percent of the conversation. When there is less eye contact, fewer connections are made. Virtual connections, while valuable, cannot replace the emotional connection and sense of well being that occurs with eye contact, touch, and physical presence.

Leaders and managers today often report that young staff lack the relational skills and emotional intelligence to connect with others effectively. In many ways, it is the older generations who must take responsibility for this. When we hand a 5-year-old a device instead of answering their tenth question about giraffes or princesses, we rob them of an opportunity to develop face-to-face communication skills and connect with us in a way that is meaningful to them. When we miss the body language or facial expressions of a 10 or 12-year-old in our life because we are busy checking our social media feed, we lose the opportunity to model good emotional intelligence. When we avoid a conversation with an 18 or 20-year-old in our life because we assume their earbuds mean they don’t want to talk to us, or we fear rejection, we miss an opportunity to demonstrate sincere interest or unconditional love.

Young people today need opportunities to practice healthy relational skills, and they desperately need to see them modeled. Many leaders, mentors, teachers and parents I talk to, however, do not know even where to start in actively engaging the young people in their lives. What I have found, in interacting regularly with 5 to 25-year-olds, is that there is great power in a good question and active listening. I have yet to encounter a young person who did not respond positively to someone sincerely asking about their perspectives and concerns. True, there might be an eye roll or two at first, but when they see you persist in your interest in them, despite their eye roll, trust and respect begin to develop.

So, what does a good question entail? First of all, it must be open-ended. If it allows the young person to respond with a simple “yes,” “no,” “good” or “bad,” a grunt or sigh, it is not a good question. Instead, it should require some thoughtfulness. Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day at school?” try something like “What was the best part of your day at school?” The response to a good question should give you some insight into the young person’s life and provide an opportunity for a follow up question. For example, if they respond that the best part of their day was chatting with a friend, you could follow up with a question like, “Tell me about your friend? How did you meet?” A good question can thus communicate that you care about what they care about. Check out some other great sample questions here.

Good questions are one of the most powerful ways to demonstrate interest, gain empathy, and develop deep connections. As a result, they are a critical tool for all of us as we interact in a society that is increasingly distracted and busy. Make it a goal to practice asking good questions and taking the time to listen actively to the responses. 

As a sophomore in college, I served as a student leader. Our team was responsible for providing peer mentoring, planning student programs, and helping with various campus activities. We were volunteers, with leadership responsibilities piled on top of classes, homework, and part-time jobs. It was important for us to stay focused on the goal. One of our team leaders often encouraged us by saying, “It’s all about the one!” It didn’t matter if attendance at an event was low, if one lonely student came and found community and new friends, it was worth it. If we had a test looming the next day, but a student struggling with depression showed up at our door, giving up some sleep and taking time to encourage her was meaningful. That slogan helped keep us focused on how critical investing in just one person can be!
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Our culture is obsessed with numbers as indicators of success.  We measure success as the amount in the budget; the number of customers, guests, sales or conversions; or the size of our facilities. While there are great reasons for this, it can also be a distraction. I am often asked how to create a successful leadership development or ministry program for youth and young adults. Mass methods are only marginally effective. The best way to engage with and develop a young person is one-on-one, or in small teams and communities. Millennials and Generation Z have access to information unlike any other generation in the history of the world. They don’t need another great program; they need to process. Indeed, the number one predictor of a young person retaining their faith is a meaningful relationship with an older believer. Trusted mentors and friends and safe spaces in the frenzied worlds of youth today can provide opportunities for the development of strong values and convictions.

I call this period that we are in the “season of a remnant.” Regardless of your setting, it is unlikely that we will accomplish significant change or impact in young lives and perspectives through large group trainings, conferences, or classes. Relationships, community and meaningful conversation are where the most formative experiences occur. Wondering why a young people has a specific political view?  Engage them in a conversation (not a lecture!) about it. Wanting to instill an essential character trait or leadership quality in a young mentee? Model it for them, inviting them to share in a meaningful leadership experience. Hoping to share faith or truth with a generation that desperately needs it? Begin with “the one” or a few…a remnant.

Will and Ariel Durant, Pulitzer-prize winning historians, in discussing the inevitable decline of civilizations, write the following: “Nations die. Old regions grow arid, or suffer other change. Resilient man picks up his tools and his arts, and moves on, taking his memories with him.” I often reflect on this statement and think about my students and my children, their children and grandchildren.  As the civilization we belong to undergoes change, what tools and memories do we want young people to possess as they move on to a new or changed civilization? What tools do we want to ensure they carry with them into an uncertain future? There will always be a resilient remnant and equipping them means we sometimes have to remain focused on “the one!”       

I have taught leadership courses for many years.  It always amazes me to read student essays on who has greatly influenced them.  Most of the time, they write about family or friends.  These influential people are seldom rich, famous, or powerful.  They sometimes live far away or are seen infrequently.  To read students’ writing about grandparents, aunts, uncles or friends who have greatly impacted them, I am reminded of the importance of our relationships with family and friends.  The holidays is a time of the year when we often see people who live far away or are busy other times of the year.  As a result, interactions during Christmas gatherings can be awkward, forced or uncomfortable at times.  If there is dysfunction or hurt in the family, it makes it even more difficult to have meaningful conversations.  Nonetheless, these events provide invaluable opportunities to mentor and encourage.  Our attitudes, behaviors, and responses influence and communicate regardless of our intent, especially to kids, youth, and young adults in our family circles.  So, as we begin this season of celebration, here are a few tips to remember as we seek meaningful interactions this Christmas.

1.  Ask open-ended questions!  We often ask questions that produce one word responses.  For example, “How is school going?”  “What is your favorite class?”  After the person responds, “good,” and “calculus,” there is an awkward pause and the conversation ends.  Instead, ask family and friends questions that demonstrate you really care to know what is going on in their lives.  For example, “What has been most rewarding or challenging about your studies/sports team/job this year?”  “What was a significant accomplishment this year?”  “What is a goal you want to accomplish next year?”  When they respond to your initial question, if appropriate, affirm what they said and ask a follow-up question to show you are truly listening and care to know more. 
2. Listen more, talk less!  Often when someone shares an experience, we immediately want to offer our perspective or tell a similar story from our own lives.  While sometimes appropriate, this often redirects the focus from the other person back to ourselves.  As much as possible, demonstrate you are truly interested in what is happening in the lives of those around you, and wait for questions from them to invite conversation about your own life and experiences. 
3. Embrace imperfection!  In families or situations where authentic relationships and conversations seldom occur, trying to engage in meaningful interactions can be a challenge.  Sometimes your attempt to show interest in someone’s life will be greeted with surprise or disinterest.  Don’t take offense.  Building relationships is seldom perfect.  It is a success that you made the effort, and that will likely stick with the individual regardless of their response to you in the moment. 
4. Follow up meaningful interactions!  After a sincere conversation, individuals may feel vulnerable or regret that the interaction is over.  Following up those conversations can develop trust and demonstrate you were listening and care.  It does not have to be elaborate.  For example, after a conversation with your nephew about a difficult supervisor at work, text him a couple of weeks later to ask how it is going, or next time you see him, tell him you have been praying for him and that situation.       

This Christmas, we each have an opportunity to pursue positive and meaningful interactions with family and friends, especially young people who will inevitably take something (positive or negative!) away from watching, listening and talking to us.  These mentoring moments with the young adults, teenagers and kids in our lives may leave a lasting impression they will write about one day in an essay.  Be intentional in your attitudes, behaviors and words…listening, encouragement and love may be the best gifts you give this Christmas!  

Recently, I attended an event where a Boomer leader was presenting. Various times throughout his PowerPoint presentation, he experienced technical difficulties and called on a Millennial colleague to rescue him. As I watched the young colleague respond and resolve very basic issues, I was reminded of the deep need for understanding and engaging in reverse mentoring in our inter-generational relationships. 

Reverse mentoring is a two-way relationship where individuals learn from one another across generational or cultural lines. This concept has been around for a couple of decades, but has gained popularity in many professional circles in the past decade. Alan Webber, the co-founder of Fast Company, explains its importance: “It’s a situation where the old fogies in an organization realize that by the time you’re in your forties and fifties, you’re not in touch with the future the same way as the young twenty-somethings. They come with fresh eyes, open minds and instant links to the technology of our future.” Author and cultural expert, Earl Creps, further explains, “The rate of change in our culture puts younger people in touch with things for which their elders sometimes even lack the vocabulary, suggesting the need to go beyond intergenerational tolerance to reconciliation that leads to a new collaboration.”

One definition of mentor is “trusted counselor or guide.” We have traditionally viewed mentoring as primarily an opportunity for those older and wiser to impart their knowledge to those younger or less experienced. This works well when the culture or context is stable and predictable, and we can assume that what worked in the past will work in the future.  However, in a season of cultural and technological change such as we are witnessing around us today, the patterns of yesterday may need revision to be effective in the days ahead.  We must be prepared to learn from the future as well as the past. Young people intuitively understand elements of the future that can remain hidden to those who are older. Nonetheless, they often lack the wisdom and maturity that comes from years of life and leadership. This is where a partnership between the two becomes incredibly powerful, offering the potential for maximizing the strengths of both perspectives. In this sense, both parties have insight that can place them in the role of counselor or guide. 

Earl Creps explains that reverse mentoring “uses the unlikely possibility of a relationship to benefit both parties through mutual learning from honesty and humility.” These elements of honesty and humility are essential to the success of a reverse mentoring relationship.  Each party must acknowledge their need for learning. They must be willing to ask questions, listen and step outside of their comfort zone to engage new ideas, skills and perspectives. In doing so, we expose ourselves to an expert in topics and practices that we might otherwise spend time and money learning about through podcasts, books, or seminars.

As I observed the Boomer leader needing technical assistance during his presentation, I was struck by the fact that he expected the Millennials in that audience to learn from what he had to say. However, it appeared that he had not made an effort ahead of time to learn from one of them more about his computer. The irony of this picture is repeated frequently in inter-generational relationships. We must be willing to seek out and invest in relationships with those both younger and older than ourselves. As I think about the individuals who I am learning from in my life right now, many of them are 20 years older or younger than I am. I am thankful for their incredibly diverse and important perspectives that stretch and challenge me. Who are those powerful mentors in your life?   ​