In his short story, A Christmas Tree, Charles Dickens writes: “I have been looking on, this evening, at a merry company of children assembled round that pretty German toy, a Christmas tree.” He describes the wonder of the children as they looked at the ornaments. “This motley collection of odd objects, clustering on the tree like magic fruit—some of the diamond eyes admiring it were hardly on level with the table, and a few were languishing in timid wonder on the bosoms of pretty mothers, aunts, and nurses—made a lively realization of the fancies of childhood.”

Our children today do not have the same experiences as the children Dickens describes. Lights on a tree hardly hold the same wonder when they compete with high definition screens. Imaginations are not ignited with wonder, sitting and staring at twinkling ornaments, when they are stimulated instead by continuous noise from handheld devices. Furthermore, innocent ponderings are interrupted by mature content, flowing into our homes and lives via technology.

Tim Elmore, in his book, Marching Off the Map, describes, “We have now begun to experience a strange paradox in our young: The extinction of childlikeness; the extension of childishness.” He explains that the “infectious flow of information” is exposing our kids to adult topics. As a result, they can “lose (1) their sense of innocence, (2) their sense of wonder and (3) their sense of trust.”

Not only are we losing our child-like wonder today, but also our ability to connect with our environment, the way people used to engage the beauty of simple things like Christmas decorations. Kirsten Weir wrote a fascinating article, “Never a Dull Moment.” She explains how in today's technological world, it's unusual to be stuck with absolutely nothing to do. “Most of us are bombarded by near-constant stimuli such as tweets, texts and a seemingly limitless supply of cat videos right at our fingertips. But all those diversions don't seem to have alleviated society's collective boredom.” She cites Psychologist John Eastman who says the reverse may be true. "These might distract you in the short run, but I think it makes you more susceptible to boredom in the long run, and less able to find ways to engage yourself," he says.
 
Weir reports that several researchers concluded boredom is best described in terms of attention. “A bored person doesn't just have nothing to do. He or she wants to be stimulated, but is unable, for whatever reason, to connect with his or her environment.” Connecting, and helping others connect, with the environment around us is critical as we seek to develop meaningful moments and lasting memories this Christmas. Most of us are used to our environment stimulating us, and if we are bored, we reach for a device. We have lost some of our ability to connect with each other. When we get together for holiday parties, and family gatherings, we often struggle to stay engaged with the people or activities around us and can be tempted to seek stimulation in our social media feed, text messages, or email notifications. 

Creating meaningful memories may require some discipline and planning. We can start by being aware of when we are tempted to pull out our device, instead of engaging with someone who is in the room with us. We have to be intentional in creating focused time for interaction. For example, designing a fun box for phones and encouraging people to drop theirs in during family dinner. Planning some interactive activities (games, discussion questions, collaborative project) can give people tools to engage with each other rather than turning on video games or a movie. We must practice good emotional intelligence by asking questions, engaging others in conversation, and modeling for kids how to build relationships.

In her article, Weir cites researcher Van Tilburg. "We saw that boredom actually increased people's tendency to recall these very nostalgic memories and actually made them feel that life in general was more meaningful." Some boredom is essential to the wonder that Dickens described! It creates room for the most nostalgic and memorable moments to occur and be remembered. So, this Christmas, don’t just hand the kids a device, rather sit down with them to play a board game, decorate cookies, or share stories by the fire. When they complain about being bored, just smile!

Research continues to link the overuse of technology to depression, attention issues, and poor social skills. Many parents and grandparents I talk to feel overwhelmed by the powerful influence of technology in their families and homes. Technology, if not managed, can impair our family’s wellbeing. One of our best defenses against devices controlling our time and relationships is to develop a culture in our homes that encourages healthy technology use. So, how do we go about inspiring a tech-smart family? Here are a few strategies and resources:  

• Create a family plan. This will look different depending on the personality and age of your kids and the needs of your family. In your plan, delineate when and how technology can be used. For example, at our house devices have accountability software and are not allowed in bedrooms. Everyone follows the plan, including mom and dad. Because our kids are young, they are not allowed to use devices without adult supervision, and they are limited to an average of an hour of screen time a day. The American Academy of Pediatrics is one resource that provides recommended time limits for different ages and has a family plan tool that can help you think through what is most important for your family. Common Sense Media also provides a wealth of resources for parents and teens to consider as you develop a family plan, including reviews of apps, tips for online safety and privacy, and screen time recommendations.   
• Make space for engagement. In his book, The Tech-Wise Family, Andy Crouch provides a challenge regarding the space in our homes and what it encourages and communicates. He says, “the best things to put in the center of our homes are engaging things – things that require attention, reward skill, and draw us together the way the hearth once did.”  He shares how in his home they have created a space for music, including instruments that draw their family together to play and sing. In our home, we have two spaces with maps, posters and whiteboards on the walls and games on the shelves that encourage us to talk, learn, explore and play together. Crouch challenges parents to “find the room where your family spends the most time and ruthlessly eliminate the things that ask little of you and develop little in you.” Instead, fill it with things that bring you together and foster conversation and growth. 
• Establish customs that create culture. Because of the addictive nature of our devices today, we must be intentional to create opportunities that facilitate memories and conversation and provide a foundation for strong relationships in our families. Otherwise, we will likely find ourselves together at dinner or on vacation, staring at our devices. In our family, we have found a few customs that have proven fun and constructive. Because of our work schedule, breakfast is our family meal. We have a shelf in our kitchen with books. While we eat, one of us reads something and we discuss it. Not only does this encourage good conversation, but also meaningful learning together. Our kids eagerly ask for a “story” when we sit down in the mornings. My speaking schedule results in our family covering about 8000 miles a year in our trusty minivan. So many hours in the car can prove tedious, but we have created a habit of keeping the first half of any trip screen free. This allows for reading, drawing, games, discussions regarding the places we pass, and the occasional sibling squabble to practice conflict resolution! We regularly visit state parks and museums along the way. Hiking and exploring together create shared memories and facilitate lively, device-free conversation. We also have the shared goal of visiting every NC state park and historic site before the kids leave for college. What does your family enjoy doing together? What are some fun customs you have or can create to build strong family relationships in this season of life?  

A healthy family culture is one of the best ways for kids to learn positive habits regarding technology use. It also helps them develop good relational skills, which contribute to confidence, happiness, and success. As parents, grandparents, caregivers and mentors, intentionality in our home and relationships is powerful as we model healthy life skills and teach them to our kids!   ​

Book Jolene to speak to your church, school, or community group on Tech-Smart Parenting or visit the Leading Tomorrow podcast  for more on this and related topics!  

Gen Z (b. 1996-2012) is being raised and educated in a culture of fear. This is the result of many factors. We live in a post-9/11 world, marked by ongoing wars and terrorism, an economic recession, and 24/7 coverage of global, domestic, and personal tensions, trauma, and anger streaming into our lives via our smartphones. Many adults have succumbed to the perspective that the world is an uncertain, dangerous, and scary place. As a result, we work diligently to protect the young people in our lives. We monitor them via video feed throughout their infancy and track them by GPS when they get older. We feed them organic food, buckle them into every seat they sit on, give them helmets and knee pads, and keep them in safe, enclosed spaces. We discourage them from doing anything dangerous or risky, citing the great harm that could befall them. They listen as we talk to one another in frightened or angry tones about what is happening in the world or with our neighbors. They see what we post on social media. They get the message repeatedly that the world is a scary and unsafe place. 

In a world perceived as dangerous and uncertain, safety has become the priority. This has had some positive results. Jean Twenge reports in her book, iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy—And Completely Unprepared for Adulthood, that there are several positive indicators of increased physical safety for kids and teens today. Homicide rates, sexual assault and rape, and alcohol consumption have all been on the decline. However, there are some other troubling statistics emerging. Depression, anxiety, and suicide among young people are on the rise. In fact, some experts believe that Gen Z is on the verge of a mental health crisis.  

Twenge explains how we have not only focused on physical safety for young people today, but also on emotional safety. We have taught them to be tolerant and that they should never be made to feel uncomfortable emotionally. As a result, many do not know how to handle criticism, conflict, or even conversation about tough issues in a healthy and constructive manner. Instead, many young people see words and social interactions as potentially dangerous and harmful.  

The emphasis on physical and emotional safety is promoting an aversion to any kind of risk or danger. We neglect to teach and model that it is in failing and experiencing pain that we realize how strong and resilient we are. Healthy conflict, disagreement, and dialogue are where we learn new things, gain diverse insights, and deepen our understanding of ourselves, others, and important issues. It is only through getting hurt that we can ever truly learn the beauty and power of forgiveness and healing. So, while safety is important, it can also be dangerous. Too much safety can strip young people (and the rest of us!) of desperately needed confidence, resilience, perspective, and hope. 
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So, how can we encourage young people in our lives to avoid the inherent risks of too much safety?  

• We need to model hope, courage, and resilience ourselves, through our conversation, attitudes, and actions. Kids are watching, listening, and learning from how we respond to the world and its uncertainty.  
• We can encourage them to take appropriate risks. With my 6-year-olds, this might mean encouraging them to climb that tree in our yard, rather than telling them to “get down, its too dangerous.” A broken arm will heal, a fear of adventure will cripple them forever. With a teenager, perhaps we insist they go on a service learning or mission trip without us, rather than staying “safely” at home playing video games. A broader understanding of the world through hands-on experience will increase their mental and emotional wellbeing in ways a game on a screen never can. 
• We need to challenge them to engage ideas that might feel uncomfortable. Turn off the devices for a car ride or dinner. Ask young people their thoughts on a current event, recent political development, or good book or movie. Ask open-ended questions that get them thinking and talking. Listen actively to what they are saying. Affirm insights and observations they make. Share some of your perspectives. Talk about how you value the perspectives of others who may disagree with you on this topic. Demonstrate the value of developing your own perspectives, while learning from others.  

In a few short years, Gen Z will be stepping into adulthood and leadership roles of their own. It is critical, as we prepare them, to ensure we are teaching them skills and perspectives that will help them thrive—physically, mentally, and emotionally—throughout their lives.  

​A recent study revealed that 18 to 22-year-olds are the loneliest age group today. There are a variety of factors that contribute to this troubling statistic. One, of course, is the prevalent use of technology in our society today. While devices help us connect to people in new and beneficial ways, there are some drawbacks. Empathy, for example, has decreased as technology has increased. One study reported that college students are 40 percent less empathetic than they were 20 or 30 years ago, prior to the widespread use of the internet. Screens dull our ability to feel the pain and joy of others and to connect with them emotionally. This presents a threat to deep, committed relationships that are impossible to maintain without continuing empathetic interaction.

While Millennials and Generation Z are especially adept at communicating online, valuable intimacy often gets lost in virtual communications. Quantified Communications reports that an average adult today makes eye contact between 30 and 60 percent of the time in conversation, but emotional connection is built when eye contact is made during 60 to 70 percent of the conversation. When there is less eye contact, fewer connections are made. Virtual connections, while valuable, cannot replace the emotional connection and sense of well being that occurs with eye contact, touch, and physical presence.

Leaders and managers today often report that young staff lack the relational skills and emotional intelligence to connect with others effectively. In many ways, it is the older generations who must take responsibility for this. When we hand a 5-year-old a device instead of answering their tenth question about giraffes or princesses, we rob them of an opportunity to develop face-to-face communication skills and connect with us in a way that is meaningful to them. When we miss the body language or facial expressions of a 10 or 12-year-old in our life because we are busy checking our social media feed, we lose the opportunity to model good emotional intelligence. When we avoid a conversation with an 18 or 20-year-old in our life because we assume their earbuds mean they don’t want to talk to us, or we fear rejection, we miss an opportunity to demonstrate sincere interest or unconditional love.

Young people today need opportunities to practice healthy relational skills, and they desperately need to see them modeled. Many leaders, mentors, teachers and parents I talk to, however, do not know even where to start in actively engaging the young people in their lives. What I have found, in interacting regularly with 5 to 25-year-olds, is that there is great power in a good question and active listening. I have yet to encounter a young person who did not respond positively to someone sincerely asking about their perspectives and concerns. True, there might be an eye roll or two at first, but when they see you persist in your interest in them, despite their eye roll, trust and respect begin to develop.

So, what does a good question entail? First of all, it must be open-ended. If it allows the young person to respond with a simple “yes,” “no,” “good” or “bad,” a grunt or sigh, it is not a good question. Instead, it should require some thoughtfulness. Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day at school?” try something like “What was the best part of your day at school?” The response to a good question should give you some insight into the young person’s life and provide an opportunity for a follow up question. For example, if they respond that the best part of their day was chatting with a friend, you could follow up with a question like, “Tell me about your friend? How did you meet?” A good question can thus communicate that you care about what they care about. Check out some other great sample questions here.

Good questions are one of the most powerful ways to demonstrate interest, gain empathy, and develop deep connections. As a result, they are a critical tool for all of us as we interact in a society that is increasingly distracted and busy. Make it a goal to practice asking good questions and taking the time to listen actively to the responses.