The following was adapted from a post by my good friend, Bill Mann, who writes and speaks on the important topic of inter-generational mentoring. - Jolene Erlacher

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.  John 15:13.

Over 60 years ago, my mother told me that you can count your real friends on one hand.
​
I didn’t appreciate her wisdom for a long time, but it’s pretty accurate based on my own experience.  And now studies show exactly that: five is the magic number.
​
Of all the things in life that are underrated, I think forming a deep friendship with another person is high on the list. I’ve written posts on how to choose friends, the value of friends and even what real friends do for one another.
C.S. Lewis even commented on the need for friends:

“The safest road to hell is the gradual one . . . the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts. This is why it’s so dangerous to do life alone.” 

Smartphones burst on the scene with the introduction of the iPhone in 2007. After 12 years, we are now getting a look at what havoc it has caused to our relationships. Not surprising (to me, anyway), there has been a decline in true friendships in the past decade.

A recent study showed that social media has made most people’s friendships superficial and shallow. Another study of 3,000 adults concurred.  High social media use affected both the quantity and quality of friendships.

It turns out that our brain limits us as to the number of friends we can digest. The number is 150, including family, according to R.I.M. Dunbar, a Psychologist at the University of Oxford.

To have true connection with your closest five, you need to spend time connecting at least once a week. That takes time, which is another limit on relationships. If you love someone or are married, the number drops to 4.

For the next 15, you need to connect at least once every month, and once a year for the rest of the 150. Interesting stuff. The takeaway is that the more your spend time on a relationship, the stronger it becomes.

Social media doesn’t increase our capacity for friends, and the number stays at 150.  While getting “likes” is gratifying, it doesn’t replace face-to-face conversation.

In other words, if you have more than 150 “friends” on social media, the number above 150 is meaningless.  They are just acquaintances. They are not your friends.

Connecting means some kind of back and forth conversation which takes time. Fast forward to today where WhatsApp, Snapchat, texting, Instagram and Facebook have become platforms for interpersonal communication.
Jean Twenge,  who has researched this area,  has noted that FOMO  and increased use of social media has resulted in less time hanging out with friends. The result: increased loneliness and isolation.

The next generation (18-34) spends upwards of 43% of their digital use on apps, and adults in general spend over half their day interacting with media.  For the next generation, that’s 8 hours a day.

But what is it getting them? Shallower relationships, superficial friends and often loneliness and depression. Certainly not a friend willing to lay down his life for them.

A friend of mine went through a tough patch in his life. He did some pretty bad things which caught up to him.  I spent time with him in the aftermath.  I told him that the good news was that he would really find out who his real friends were.

Those who were shallow would distance themselves and abandon him.  He later came to me and said: “You were right; I now know which friends I can count on.”

This morning, I chatted with a friend, Steve Noble, who has started meeting with some from the next generation. He asked them a couple of questions. The answers didn’t surprise me.

None of them had a close friend that they felt they could call on in need, and none of them ever connected in any meaningful way with someone older.

In a challenging article in Christianity Today, Jen Thorn describes the 6 costs of real friendship:  Time, personal convenience, intimacy, comfort, love and prayer. This is a biblical view of what real friends do for each other. Lest I forget, every study I’ve seen reports that those who have close friendships tend to be happier in life. Nuff said.

I’ve had the good fortune to have close friends, but it has taken effort and intentionality. I’ve met with 2 other men for over 25 years weekly, and we share life together.

Proverbs tells us to seek wise counsel, and we have provided each other with invaluable support, direction and feedback through the years. I count my group as a peer mentor group, although we never gave it that label.

The challenge here is that the next generation is missing out by not having real friends. They need someone to come alongside and help them understand the importance of friends in their life. Real friends are the people who stick by you in the good times and the bad.

MENTOR TAKEAWAY:  In your interaction with your mentee, find out who his friends are (or aren’t), and encourage him to develop close relationships. It may be the best advice you can give him.​
​
Read the full post by Bill Mann at his blog.

Research continues to link the overuse of technology to depression, attention issues, and poor social skills. Many parents and grandparents I talk to feel overwhelmed by the powerful influence of technology in their families and homes. Technology, if not managed, can impair our family’s wellbeing. One of our best defenses against devices controlling our time and relationships is to develop a culture in our homes that encourages healthy technology use. So, how do we go about inspiring a tech-smart family? Here are a few strategies and resources:  

• Create a family plan. This will look different depending on the personality and age of your kids and the needs of your family. In your plan, delineate when and how technology can be used. For example, at our house devices have accountability software and are not allowed in bedrooms. Everyone follows the plan, including mom and dad. Because our kids are young, they are not allowed to use devices without adult supervision, and they are limited to an average of an hour of screen time a day. The American Academy of Pediatrics is one resource that provides recommended time limits for different ages and has a family plan tool that can help you think through what is most important for your family. Common Sense Media also provides a wealth of resources for parents and teens to consider as you develop a family plan, including reviews of apps, tips for online safety and privacy, and screen time recommendations.   
• Make space for engagement. In his book, The Tech-Wise Family, Andy Crouch provides a challenge regarding the space in our homes and what it encourages and communicates. He says, “the best things to put in the center of our homes are engaging things – things that require attention, reward skill, and draw us together the way the hearth once did.”  He shares how in his home they have created a space for music, including instruments that draw their family together to play and sing. In our home, we have two spaces with maps, posters and whiteboards on the walls and games on the shelves that encourage us to talk, learn, explore and play together. Crouch challenges parents to “find the room where your family spends the most time and ruthlessly eliminate the things that ask little of you and develop little in you.” Instead, fill it with things that bring you together and foster conversation and growth. 
• Establish customs that create culture. Because of the addictive nature of our devices today, we must be intentional to create opportunities that facilitate memories and conversation and provide a foundation for strong relationships in our families. Otherwise, we will likely find ourselves together at dinner or on vacation, staring at our devices. In our family, we have found a few customs that have proven fun and constructive. Because of our work schedule, breakfast is our family meal. We have a shelf in our kitchen with books. While we eat, one of us reads something and we discuss it. Not only does this encourage good conversation, but also meaningful learning together. Our kids eagerly ask for a “story” when we sit down in the mornings. My speaking schedule results in our family covering about 8000 miles a year in our trusty minivan. So many hours in the car can prove tedious, but we have created a habit of keeping the first half of any trip screen free. This allows for reading, drawing, games, discussions regarding the places we pass, and the occasional sibling squabble to practice conflict resolution! We regularly visit state parks and museums along the way. Hiking and exploring together create shared memories and facilitate lively, device-free conversation. We also have the shared goal of visiting every NC state park and historic site before the kids leave for college. What does your family enjoy doing together? What are some fun customs you have or can create to build strong family relationships in this season of life?  

A healthy family culture is one of the best ways for kids to learn positive habits regarding technology use. It also helps them develop good relational skills, which contribute to confidence, happiness, and success. As parents, grandparents, caregivers and mentors, intentionality in our home and relationships is powerful as we model healthy life skills and teach them to our kids!   ​

Book Jolene to speak to your church, school, or community group on Tech-Smart Parenting or visit the Leading Tomorrow podcast  for more on this and related topics!