The Importance of Listening

I was recently coaching a college student through some anxiety she was feeling. As she shared her struggles, it became evident that she did not feel heard, understood, or valued in key relationships. I was reminded of the importance of truly listening to the young people in our lives. As we head into the holiday season, where we are interacting with family and friends, it is a good time to refresh our listening skills.

I wish I could say I am really good at listening, but it is one of those skills I am constantly having to practice and hone. While it seems simple, it may be one of the most difficult leadership skills to develop and practice because it requires us to set aside our own perspectives, interests, and need to be heard to focus on another person and what they are thinking and feeling.

Today, with the constant noise and distractions of social media, news feeds, YouTube, and the busy world around us, we often give things our partial attention. This can become a habit that inhibits our ability to listen fully to those with whom we are interacting.

Active listening requires that the listener move from passively hearing to actively engaging with the speaker. This type of listening uses both verbal and non-verbal communication methods and shows the speaker you are interested. So, let’s reflect on some skills that are important for active listening.
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• Focus entirely on the person who is speaking. Remove distractions and make eye contact. Try to avoid your thoughts being distracted by other things. Do not try to multi-task but be prepared to fully listen.
• Seek to increase understanding. Avoid interrupting when the other person is speaking. Ask clarifying questions to be sure you understand what the speaker means. Paraphrase or restate what you have understood. Some good phrases to use in doing this include: “What I am hearing you say is…” or “It sounds like…” Stephen Covey once said, “The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” As you practice your listening skills, focus on understanding over being understood.
• Try to interpret accurately what the speaker is feeling and saying. Pay attention to the speaker’s facial expressions, tone, and body language. Listen for emotions as well as words. Encourage the person who is speaking and recognize the differences in your perspectives or personalities that might affect different points of view.
• Respond appropriately. Be aware of your own nonverbal cues such as body language, facial expressions, and tone. Nod, smile, and make small verbal comments like, “uh-huh,” or “yes.” Practice self-leadership as you manage your own reactions and responses. Make choices that will help the conversation move forward and communicate that you are a safe person to engage on various topics, including those that are difficult. Be honest, respectful, and authentic in your response.

Listening requires a lot of self-control as we prioritize the other person, their experience and feelings, and manage our own responses and reactions. However, the value of listening is significant. Businessman Nido Qubein offers a good reminder as we engage young people in our lives. He says, “Listen twice as much as you talk, and others will hear twice as much of what you say.”

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