I was recently coaching a college student through some anxiety she was feeling. As she shared her struggles, it became evident that she did not feel heard, understood, or valued in key relationships. I was reminded of the importance of truly listening to the young people in our lives. As we head into the holiday season, where we are interacting with family and friends, it is a good time to refresh our listening skills.

I wish I could say I am really good at listening, but it is one of those skills I am constantly having to practice and hone. While it seems simple, it may be one of the most difficult leadership skills to develop and practice because it requires us to set aside our own perspectives, interests, and need to be heard to focus on another person and what they are thinking and feeling.

Today, with the constant noise and distractions of social media, news feeds, YouTube, and the busy world around us, we often give things our partial attention. This can become a habit that inhibits our ability to listen fully to those with whom we are interacting.

Active listening requires that the listener move from passively hearing to actively engaging with the speaker. This type of listening uses both verbal and non-verbal communication methods and shows the speaker you are interested. So, let’s reflect on some skills that are important for active listening.
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• Focus entirely on the person who is speaking. Remove distractions and make eye contact. Try to avoid your thoughts being distracted by other things. Do not try to multi-task but be prepared to fully listen.
• Seek to increase understanding. Avoid interrupting when the other person is speaking. Ask clarifying questions to be sure you understand what the speaker means. Paraphrase or restate what you have understood. Some good phrases to use in doing this include: “What I am hearing you say is…” or “It sounds like…” Stephen Covey once said, “The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.” As you practice your listening skills, focus on understanding over being understood.
• Try to interpret accurately what the speaker is feeling and saying. Pay attention to the speaker’s facial expressions, tone, and body language. Listen for emotions as well as words. Encourage the person who is speaking and recognize the differences in your perspectives or personalities that might affect different points of view.
• Respond appropriately. Be aware of your own nonverbal cues such as body language, facial expressions, and tone. Nod, smile, and make small verbal comments like, “uh-huh,” or “yes.” Practice self-leadership as you manage your own reactions and responses. Make choices that will help the conversation move forward and communicate that you are a safe person to engage on various topics, including those that are difficult. Be honest, respectful, and authentic in your response.

Listening requires a lot of self-control as we prioritize the other person, their experience and feelings, and manage our own responses and reactions. However, the value of listening is significant. Businessman Nido Qubein offers a good reminder as we engage young people in our lives. He says, “Listen twice as much as you talk, and others will hear twice as much of what you say.”

In his short story, A Christmas Tree, Charles Dickens writes: “I have been looking on, this evening, at a merry company of children assembled round that pretty German toy, a Christmas tree.” He describes the wonder of the children as they looked at the ornaments. “This motley collection of odd objects, clustering on the tree like magic fruit—some of the diamond eyes admiring it were hardly on level with the table, and a few were languishing in timid wonder on the bosoms of pretty mothers, aunts, and nurses—made a lively realization of the fancies of childhood.”

Our children today do not have the same experiences as the children Dickens describes. Lights on a tree hardly hold the same wonder when they compete with high definition screens. Imaginations are not ignited with wonder, sitting and staring at twinkling ornaments, when they are stimulated instead by continuous noise from handheld devices. Furthermore, innocent ponderings are interrupted by mature content, flowing into our homes and lives via technology.

Tim Elmore, in his book, Marching Off the Map, describes, “We have now begun to experience a strange paradox in our young: The extinction of childlikeness; the extension of childishness.” He explains that the “infectious flow of information” is exposing our kids to adult topics. As a result, they can “lose (1) their sense of innocence, (2) their sense of wonder and (3) their sense of trust.”

Not only are we losing our child-like wonder today, but also our ability to connect with our environment, the way people used to engage the beauty of simple things like Christmas decorations. Kirsten Weir wrote a fascinating article, “Never a Dull Moment.” She explains how in today's technological world, it's unusual to be stuck with absolutely nothing to do. “Most of us are bombarded by near-constant stimuli such as tweets, texts and a seemingly limitless supply of cat videos right at our fingertips. But all those diversions don't seem to have alleviated society's collective boredom.” She cites Psychologist John Eastman who says the reverse may be true. "These might distract you in the short run, but I think it makes you more susceptible to boredom in the long run, and less able to find ways to engage yourself," he says.
 
Weir reports that several researchers concluded boredom is best described in terms of attention. “A bored person doesn't just have nothing to do. He or she wants to be stimulated, but is unable, for whatever reason, to connect with his or her environment.” Connecting, and helping others connect, with the environment around us is critical as we seek to develop meaningful moments and lasting memories this Christmas. Most of us are used to our environment stimulating us, and if we are bored, we reach for a device. We have lost some of our ability to connect with each other. When we get together for holiday parties, and family gatherings, we often struggle to stay engaged with the people or activities around us and can be tempted to seek stimulation in our social media feed, text messages, or email notifications. 

Creating meaningful memories may require some discipline and planning. We can start by being aware of when we are tempted to pull out our device, instead of engaging with someone who is in the room with us. We have to be intentional in creating focused time for interaction. For example, designing a fun box for phones and encouraging people to drop theirs in during family dinner. Planning some interactive activities (games, discussion questions, collaborative project) can give people tools to engage with each other rather than turning on video games or a movie. We must practice good emotional intelligence by asking questions, engaging others in conversation, and modeling for kids how to build relationships.

In her article, Weir cites researcher Van Tilburg. "We saw that boredom actually increased people's tendency to recall these very nostalgic memories and actually made them feel that life in general was more meaningful." Some boredom is essential to the wonder that Dickens described! It creates room for the most nostalgic and memorable moments to occur and be remembered. So, this Christmas, don’t just hand the kids a device, rather sit down with them to play a board game, decorate cookies, or share stories by the fire. When they complain about being bored, just smile!

The following was adapted from a post by my good friend, Bill Mann, who writes and speaks on the important topic of inter-generational mentoring. - Jolene Erlacher

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.  John 15:13.

Over 60 years ago, my mother told me that you can count your real friends on one hand.
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I didn’t appreciate her wisdom for a long time, but it’s pretty accurate based on my own experience.  And now studies show exactly that: five is the magic number.
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Of all the things in life that are underrated, I think forming a deep friendship with another person is high on the list. I’ve written posts on how to choose friends, the value of friends and even what real friends do for one another.

C.S. Lewis even commented on the need for friends:
“The safest road to hell is the gradual one . . . the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts. This is why it’s so dangerous to do life alone.” 

Smartphones burst on the scene with the introduction of the iPhone in 2007. After 12 years, we are now getting a look at what havoc it has caused to our relationships. Not surprising (to me, anyway), there has been a decline in true friendships in the past decade.

A recent study showed that social media has made most people’s friendships superficial and shallow. Another study of 3,000 adults concurred.  High social media use affected both the quantity and quality of friendships.

It turns out that our brain limits us as to the number of friends we can digest. The number is 150, including family, according to R.I.M. Dunbar, a Psychologist at the University of Oxford.

To have true connection with your closest five, you need to spend time connecting at least once a week. That takes time, which is another limit on relationships. If you love someone or are married, the number drops to 4.

For the next 15, you need to connect at least once every month, and once a year for the rest of the 150. Interesting stuff. The takeaway is that the more your spend time on a relationship, the stronger it becomes.

Social media doesn’t increase our capacity for friends, and the number stays at 150.  While getting “likes” is gratifying, it doesn’t replace face-to-face conversation.

In other words, if you have more than 150 “friends” on social media, the number above 150 is meaningless.  They are just acquaintances. They are not your friends.

Connecting means some kind of back and forth conversation which takes time. Fast forward to today where WhatsApp, Snapchat, texting, Instagram and Facebook have become platforms for interpersonal communication.
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Jean Twenge,  who has researched this area,  has noted that FOMO  and increased use of social media has resulted in less time hanging out with friends. The result: increased loneliness and isolation.

The next generation (18-34) spends upwards of 43% of their digital use on apps, and adults in general spend over half their day interacting with media.  For the next generation, that’s 8 hours a day.

But what is it getting them? Shallower relationships, superficial friends and often loneliness and depression. Certainly not a friend willing to lay down his life for them.

A friend of mine went through a tough patch in his life. He did some pretty bad things which caught up to him.  I spent time with him in the aftermath.  I told him that the good news was that he would really find out who his real friends were.

Those who were shallow would distance themselves and abandon him.  He later came to me and said: “You were right; I now know which friends I can count on.”

This morning, I chatted with a friend, Steve Noble, who has started meeting with some from the next generation. He asked them a couple of questions. The answers didn’t surprise me.

None of them had a close friend that they felt they could call on in need, and none of them ever connected in any meaningful way with someone older.

In a challenging article in Christianity Today, Jen Thorn describes the 6 costs of real friendship:  Time, personal convenience, intimacy, comfort, love and prayer. This is a biblical view of what real friends do for each other. Lest I forget, every study I’ve seen reports that those who have close friendships tend to be happier in life. Nuff said.

I’ve had the good fortune to have close friends, but it has taken effort and intentionality. I’ve met with 2 other men for over 25 years weekly, and we share life together.

Proverbs tells us to seek wise counsel, and we have provided each other with invaluable support, direction and feedback through the years. I count my group as a peer mentor group, although we never gave it that label.

The challenge here is that the next generation is missing out by not having real friends. They need someone to come alongside and help them understand the importance of friends in their life. Real friends are the people who stick by you in the good times and the bad.

MENTOR TAKEAWAY:  In your interaction with your mentee, find out who his friends are (or aren’t), and encourage him to develop close relationships. It may be the best advice you can give him.​
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Read the full post by Bill Mann at his blog.

Research continues to link the overuse of technology to depression, attention issues, and poor social skills.  Many parents and grandparents I talk to feel overwhelmed by the powerful influence of technology in their families and homes.  Technology, if not managed, can impair our family's wellbeing.  One of our best defenses against devices controlling our time and relationships is to develop a culture in our homes that encourages healthy technology use.  So, how do we go about inspiring a tech-smart family?  Here are a few strategies and resources:   So, how do we go about inspiring a tech-smart family? Here are a few strategies and resources:  

• Create a family plan. This will look different depending on the personality and age of your kids and the needs of your family. In your plan, delineate when and how technology can be used. For example, at our house devices have accountability software and are not allowed in bedrooms. Everyone follows the plan, including mom and dad. Because our kids are young, they are not allowed to use devices without adult supervision, and they are limited to an average of an hour of screen time a day. The American Academy of Pediatrics is one resource that provides recommended time limits for different ages and has a family plan tool that can help you think through what is most important for your family. Common Sense Media also provides a wealth of resources for parents and teens to consider as you develop a family plan, including reviews of apps, tips for online safety and privacy, and screen time recommendations.   
• Make space for engagement. In his book, The Tech-Wise Family, Andy Crouch provides a challenge regarding the space in our homes and what it encourages and communicates. He says, “the best things to put in the center of our homes are engaging things – things that require attention, reward skill, and draw us together the way the hearth once did.”  He shares how in his home they have created a space for music, including instruments that draw their family together to play and sing. In our home, we have two spaces with maps, posters and whiteboards on the walls and games on the shelves that encourage us to talk, learn, explore and play together. Crouch challenges parents to “find the room where your family spends the most time and ruthlessly eliminate the things that ask little of you and develop little in you.” Instead, fill it with things that bring you together and foster conversation and growth. 
• Establish customs that create culture. Because of the addictive nature of our devices today, we must be intentional to create opportunities that facilitate memories and conversation and provide a foundation for strong relationships in our families. Otherwise, we will likely find ourselves together at dinner or on vacation, staring at our devices. In our family, we have found a few customs that have proven fun and constructive. Because of our work schedule, breakfast is our family meal. We have a shelf in our kitchen with books. While we eat, one of us reads something and we discuss it. Not only does this encourage good conversation, but also meaningful learning together. Our kids eagerly ask for a “story” when we sit down in the mornings. My speaking schedule results in our family covering about 8000 miles a year in our trusty minivan. So many hours in the car can prove tedious, but we have created a habit of keeping the first half of any trip screen free. This allows for reading, drawing, games, discussions regarding the places we pass, and the occasional sibling squabble to practice conflict resolution! We regularly visit state parks and museums along the way. Hiking and exploring together create shared memories and facilitate lively, device-free conversation. We also have the shared goal of visiting every NC state park and historic site before the kids leave for college. What does your family enjoy doing together? What are some fun customs you have or can create to build strong family relationships in this season of life?  

A healthy family culture is one of the best ways for kids to learn positive habits regarding technology use. It also helps them develop good relational skills, which contribute to confidence, happiness, and success. As parents, grandparents, caregivers and mentors, intentionality in our home and relationships is powerful as we model healthy life skills and teach them to our kids!   ​

Book Jolene to speak to your church, school, or community group on Tech-Smart Parenting or visit the Leading Tomorrow podcast  for more on this and related topics!  

​A recent study revealed that 18 to 22-year-olds are the loneliest age group today. There are a variety of factors that contribute to this troubling statistic. One, of course, is the prevalent use of technology in our society today. While devices help us connect to people in new and beneficial ways, there are some drawbacks. Empathy, for example, has decreased as technology has increased. One study reported that college students are 40 percent less empathetic than they were 20 or 30 years ago, prior to the widespread use of the internet. Screens dull our ability to feel the pain and joy of others and to connect with them emotionally. This presents a threat to deep, committed relationships that are impossible to maintain without continuing empathetic interaction.

While Millennials and Generation Z are especially adept at communicating online, valuable intimacy often gets lost in virtual communications. Quantified Communications reports that an average adult today makes eye contact between 30 and 60 percent of the time in conversation, but emotional connection is built when eye contact is made during 60 to 70 percent of the conversation. When there is less eye contact, fewer connections are made. Virtual connections, while valuable, cannot replace the emotional connection and sense of well being that occurs with eye contact, touch, and physical presence.

Leaders and managers today often report that young staff lack the relational skills and emotional intelligence to connect with others effectively. In many ways, it is the older generations who must take responsibility for this. When we hand a 5-year-old a device instead of answering their tenth question about giraffes or princesses, we rob them of an opportunity to develop face-to-face communication skills and connect with us in a way that is meaningful to them. When we miss the body language or facial expressions of a 10 or 12-year-old in our life because we are busy checking our social media feed, we lose the opportunity to model good emotional intelligence. When we avoid a conversation with an 18 or 20-year-old in our life because we assume their earbuds mean they don’t want to talk to us, or we fear rejection, we miss an opportunity to demonstrate sincere interest or unconditional love.

Young people today need opportunities to practice healthy relational skills, and they desperately need to see them modeled. Many leaders, mentors, teachers and parents I talk to, however, do not know even where to start in actively engaging the young people in their lives. What I have found, in interacting regularly with 5 to 25-year-olds, is that there is great power in a good question and active listening. I have yet to encounter a young person who did not respond positively to someone sincerely asking about their perspectives and concerns. True, there might be an eye roll or two at first, but when they see you persist in your interest in them, despite their eye roll, trust and respect begin to develop.

So, what does a good question entail? First of all, it must be open-ended. If it allows the young person to respond with a simple “yes,” “no,” “good” or “bad,” a grunt or sigh, it is not a good question. Instead, it should require some thoughtfulness. Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day at school?” try something like “What was the best part of your day at school?” The response to a good question should give you some insight into the young person’s life and provide an opportunity for a follow up question. For example, if they respond that the best part of their day was chatting with a friend, you could follow up with a question like, “Tell me about your friend? How did you meet?” A good question can thus communicate that you care about what they care about. Check out some other great sample questions here.

Good questions are one of the most powerful ways to demonstrate interest, gain empathy, and develop deep connections. As a result, they are a critical tool for all of us as we interact in a society that is increasingly distracted and busy. Make it a goal to practice asking good questions and taking the time to listen actively to the responses. 

As a sophomore in college, I served as a student leader. Our team was responsible for providing peer mentoring, planning student programs, and helping with various campus activities. We were volunteers, with leadership responsibilities piled on top of classes, homework, and part-time jobs. It was important for us to stay focused on the goal. One of our team leaders often encouraged us by saying, “It’s all about the one!” It didn’t matter if attendance at an event was low, if one lonely student came and found community and new friends, it was worth it. If we had a test looming the next day, but a student struggling with depression showed up at our door, giving up some sleep and taking time to encourage her was meaningful. That slogan helped keep us focused on how critical investing in just one person can be!
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Our culture is obsessed with numbers as indicators of success.  We measure success as the amount in the budget; the number of customers, guests, sales or conversions; or the size of our facilities. While there are great reasons for this, it can also be a distraction. I am often asked how to create a successful leadership development or ministry program for youth and young adults. Mass methods are only marginally effective. The best way to engage with and develop a young person is one-on-one, or in small teams and communities. Millennials and Generation Z have access to information unlike any other generation in the history of the world. They don’t need another great program; they need to process. Indeed, the number one predictor of a young person retaining their faith is a meaningful relationship with an older believer. Trusted mentors and friends and safe spaces in the frenzied worlds of youth today can provide opportunities for the development of strong values and convictions.

I call this period that we are in the “season of a remnant.” Regardless of your setting, it is unlikely that we will accomplish significant change or impact in young lives and perspectives through large group trainings, conferences, or classes. Relationships, community and meaningful conversation are where the most formative experiences occur. Wondering why a young people has a specific political view?  Engage them in a conversation (not a lecture!) about it. Wanting to instill an essential character trait or leadership quality in a young mentee? Model it for them, inviting them to share in a meaningful leadership experience. Hoping to share faith or truth with a generation that desperately needs it? Begin with “the one” or a few…a remnant.

Will and Ariel Durant, Pulitzer-prize winning historians, in discussing the inevitable decline of civilizations, write the following: “Nations die. Old regions grow arid, or suffer other change. Resilient man picks up his tools and his arts, and moves on, taking his memories with him.” I often reflect on this statement and think about my students and my children, their children and grandchildren.  As the civilization we belong to undergoes change, what tools and memories do we want young people to possess as they move on to a new or changed civilization? What tools do we want to ensure they carry with them into an uncertain future? There will always be a resilient remnant and equipping them means we sometimes have to remain focused on “the one!”       

I have taught leadership courses for many years.  It always amazes me to read student essays on who has greatly influenced them.  Most of the time, they write about family or friends.  These influential people are seldom rich, famous, or powerful.  They sometimes live far away or are seen infrequently.  To read students’ writing about grandparents, aunts, uncles or friends who have greatly impacted them, I am reminded of the importance of our relationships with family and friends.  The holidays is a time of the year when we often see people who live far away or are busy other times of the year.  As a result, interactions during Christmas gatherings can be awkward, forced or uncomfortable at times.  If there is dysfunction or hurt in the family, it makes it even more difficult to have meaningful conversations.  Nonetheless, these events provide invaluable opportunities to mentor and encourage.  Our attitudes, behaviors, and responses influence and communicate regardless of our intent, especially to kids, youth, and young adults in our family circles.  So, as we begin this season of celebration, here are a few tips to remember as we seek meaningful interactions this Christmas.

1.  Ask open-ended questions!  We often ask questions that produce one word responses.  For example, “How is school going?”  “What is your favorite class?”  After the person responds, “good,” and “calculus,” there is an awkward pause and the conversation ends.  Instead, ask family and friends questions that demonstrate you really care to know what is going on in their lives.  For example, “What has been most rewarding or challenging about your studies/sports team/job this year?”  “What was a significant accomplishment this year?”  “What is a goal you want to accomplish next year?”  When they respond to your initial question, if appropriate, affirm what they said and ask a follow-up question to show you are truly listening and care to know more. 
2. Listen more, talk less!  Often when someone shares an experience, we immediately want to offer our perspective or tell a similar story from our own lives.  While sometimes appropriate, this often redirects the focus from the other person back to ourselves.  As much as possible, demonstrate you are truly interested in what is happening in the lives of those around you, and wait for questions from them to invite conversation about your own life and experiences. 
3. Embrace imperfection!  In families or situations where authentic relationships and conversations seldom occur, trying to engage in meaningful interactions can be a challenge.  Sometimes your attempt to show interest in someone’s life will be greeted with surprise or disinterest.  Don’t take offense.  Building relationships is seldom perfect.  It is a success that you made the effort, and that will likely stick with the individual regardless of their response to you in the moment. 
4. Follow up meaningful interactions!  After a sincere conversation, individuals may feel vulnerable or regret that the interaction is over.  Following up those conversations can develop trust and demonstrate you were listening and care.  It does not have to be elaborate.  For example, after a conversation with your nephew about a difficult supervisor at work, text him a couple of weeks later to ask how it is going, or next time you see him, tell him you have been praying for him and that situation.       

This Christmas, we each have an opportunity to pursue positive and meaningful interactions with family and friends, especially young people who will inevitably take something (positive or negative!) away from watching, listening and talking to us.  These mentoring moments with the young adults, teenagers and kids in our lives may leave a lasting impression they will write about one day in an essay.  Be intentional in your attitudes, behaviors and words…listening, encouragement and love may be the best gifts you give this Christmas!