I was recently in a discussion about what to do as a ministry leader when colleagues are not committed to and following through on organizational policies. This led to some observations that respect for authority has changed. There are several reasons why views on authority are changing, especially for those who are younger.
 
One major factor for decreased respect for leaders is the shrinking (or collapse) of power distance. In the past, experience, education, positions and titles meant an individual had knowledge, expertise, influence and information (ie. power), so they deserved respect. This power distance was physically represented by the distance from the podium to the students, the pulpit to the congregation, the corner office to the cubicles, etc. With changes in culture and technology, power and respect for authority are changing (a great book on this is The End of Power by Moises Naim). A 13-year-old can post on Twitter as easily as the President; students in my college classes can Google more information in 5 minutes than I learned in 6+ years of graduate work; a teenager can get more followers and influence on YouTube in three weeks than established experts sometimes do in a lifetime; and our congregations can listen to podcasts of other pastors all week long.

Power or authority can no longer be gained or leveraged through title, experience, knowledge or position. Influence, respect, and the right to be heard or hold people accountable must be earned through trust, authenticity, humility, service and relationships. We must be sure as we are building our organizational or team culture that we are doing so relationally. This is the best way to win and maintain respect as a leader in today’s context and earn the influence to provide accountability.

We cannot assume respect based on our role or position, we must actively earn and maintain it. Once we have earned this respect, it becomes much easier to have honest conversations with our colleagues and provide accountability.

The following was adapted from a post by my good friend, Bill Mann, who writes and speaks on the important topic of inter-generational mentoring. - Jolene Erlacher

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.  John 15:13.

Over 60 years ago, my mother told me that you can count your real friends on one hand.
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I didn’t appreciate her wisdom for a long time, but it’s pretty accurate based on my own experience.  And now studies show exactly that: five is the magic number.
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Of all the things in life that are underrated, I think forming a deep friendship with another person is high on the list. I’ve written posts on how to choose friends, the value of friends and even what real friends do for one another.
C.S. Lewis even commented on the need for friends:

“The safest road to hell is the gradual one . . . the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts. This is why it’s so dangerous to do life alone.” 

Smartphones burst on the scene with the introduction of the iPhone in 2007. After 12 years, we are now getting a look at what havoc it has caused to our relationships. Not surprising (to me, anyway), there has been a decline in true friendships in the past decade.

A recent study showed that social media has made most people’s friendships superficial and shallow. Another study of 3,000 adults concurred.  High social media use affected both the quantity and quality of friendships.

It turns out that our brain limits us as to the number of friends we can digest. The number is 150, including family, according to R.I.M. Dunbar, a Psychologist at the University of Oxford.

To have true connection with your closest five, you need to spend time connecting at least once a week. That takes time, which is another limit on relationships. If you love someone or are married, the number drops to 4.

For the next 15, you need to connect at least once every month, and once a year for the rest of the 150. Interesting stuff. The takeaway is that the more your spend time on a relationship, the stronger it becomes.

Social media doesn’t increase our capacity for friends, and the number stays at 150.  While getting “likes” is gratifying, it doesn’t replace face-to-face conversation.

In other words, if you have more than 150 “friends” on social media, the number above 150 is meaningless.  They are just acquaintances. They are not your friends.

Connecting means some kind of back and forth conversation which takes time. Fast forward to today where WhatsApp, Snapchat, texting, Instagram and Facebook have become platforms for interpersonal communication.
Jean Twenge,  who has researched this area,  has noted that FOMO  and increased use of social media has resulted in less time hanging out with friends. The result: increased loneliness and isolation.

The next generation (18-34) spends upwards of 43% of their digital use on apps, and adults in general spend over half their day interacting with media.  For the next generation, that’s 8 hours a day.

But what is it getting them? Shallower relationships, superficial friends and often loneliness and depression. Certainly not a friend willing to lay down his life for them.

A friend of mine went through a tough patch in his life. He did some pretty bad things which caught up to him.  I spent time with him in the aftermath.  I told him that the good news was that he would really find out who his real friends were.

Those who were shallow would distance themselves and abandon him.  He later came to me and said: “You were right; I now know which friends I can count on.”

This morning, I chatted with a friend, Steve Noble, who has started meeting with some from the next generation. He asked them a couple of questions. The answers didn’t surprise me.

None of them had a close friend that they felt they could call on in need, and none of them ever connected in any meaningful way with someone older.

In a challenging article in Christianity Today, Jen Thorn describes the 6 costs of real friendship:  Time, personal convenience, intimacy, comfort, love and prayer. This is a biblical view of what real friends do for each other. Lest I forget, every study I’ve seen reports that those who have close friendships tend to be happier in life. Nuff said.

I’ve had the good fortune to have close friends, but it has taken effort and intentionality. I’ve met with 2 other men for over 25 years weekly, and we share life together.

Proverbs tells us to seek wise counsel, and we have provided each other with invaluable support, direction and feedback through the years. I count my group as a peer mentor group, although we never gave it that label.

The challenge here is that the next generation is missing out by not having real friends. They need someone to come alongside and help them understand the importance of friends in their life. Real friends are the people who stick by you in the good times and the bad.

MENTOR TAKEAWAY:  In your interaction with your mentee, find out who his friends are (or aren’t), and encourage him to develop close relationships. It may be the best advice you can give him.​
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Read the full post by Bill Mann at his blog.

Research continues to link the overuse of technology to depression, attention issues, and poor social skills. Many parents and grandparents I talk to feel overwhelmed by the powerful influence of technology in their families and homes. Technology, if not managed, can impair our family’s wellbeing. One of our best defenses against devices controlling our time and relationships is to develop a culture in our homes that encourages healthy technology use. So, how do we go about inspiring a tech-smart family? Here are a few strategies and resources:  

• Create a family plan. This will look different depending on the personality and age of your kids and the needs of your family. In your plan, delineate when and how technology can be used. For example, at our house devices have accountability software and are not allowed in bedrooms. Everyone follows the plan, including mom and dad. Because our kids are young, they are not allowed to use devices without adult supervision, and they are limited to an average of an hour of screen time a day. The American Academy of Pediatrics is one resource that provides recommended time limits for different ages and has a family plan tool that can help you think through what is most important for your family. Common Sense Media also provides a wealth of resources for parents and teens to consider as you develop a family plan, including reviews of apps, tips for online safety and privacy, and screen time recommendations.   
• Make space for engagement. In his book, The Tech-Wise Family, Andy Crouch provides a challenge regarding the space in our homes and what it encourages and communicates. He says, “the best things to put in the center of our homes are engaging things – things that require attention, reward skill, and draw us together the way the hearth once did.”  He shares how in his home they have created a space for music, including instruments that draw their family together to play and sing. In our home, we have two spaces with maps, posters and whiteboards on the walls and games on the shelves that encourage us to talk, learn, explore and play together. Crouch challenges parents to “find the room where your family spends the most time and ruthlessly eliminate the things that ask little of you and develop little in you.” Instead, fill it with things that bring you together and foster conversation and growth. 
• Establish customs that create culture. Because of the addictive nature of our devices today, we must be intentional to create opportunities that facilitate memories and conversation and provide a foundation for strong relationships in our families. Otherwise, we will likely find ourselves together at dinner or on vacation, staring at our devices. In our family, we have found a few customs that have proven fun and constructive. Because of our work schedule, breakfast is our family meal. We have a shelf in our kitchen with books. While we eat, one of us reads something and we discuss it. Not only does this encourage good conversation, but also meaningful learning together. Our kids eagerly ask for a “story” when we sit down in the mornings. My speaking schedule results in our family covering about 8000 miles a year in our trusty minivan. So many hours in the car can prove tedious, but we have created a habit of keeping the first half of any trip screen free. This allows for reading, drawing, games, discussions regarding the places we pass, and the occasional sibling squabble to practice conflict resolution! We regularly visit state parks and museums along the way. Hiking and exploring together create shared memories and facilitate lively, device-free conversation. We also have the shared goal of visiting every NC state park and historic site before the kids leave for college. What does your family enjoy doing together? What are some fun customs you have or can create to build strong family relationships in this season of life?  

A healthy family culture is one of the best ways for kids to learn positive habits regarding technology use. It also helps them develop good relational skills, which contribute to confidence, happiness, and success. As parents, grandparents, caregivers and mentors, intentionality in our home and relationships is powerful as we model healthy life skills and teach them to our kids!   ​

Book Jolene to speak to your church, school, or community group on Tech-Smart Parenting or visit the Leading Tomorrow podcast  for more on this and related topics!  

Gen Z (b. 1996-2012) is being raised and educated in a culture of fear. This is the result of many factors. We live in a post-9/11 world, marked by ongoing wars and terrorism, an economic recession, and 24/7 coverage of global, domestic, and personal tensions, trauma, and anger streaming into our lives via our smartphones. Many adults have succumbed to the perspective that the world is an uncertain, dangerous, and scary place. As a result, we work diligently to protect the young people in our lives. We monitor them via video feed throughout their infancy and track them by GPS when they get older. We feed them organic food, buckle them into every seat they sit on, give them helmets and knee pads, and keep them in safe, enclosed spaces. We discourage them from doing anything dangerous or risky, citing the great harm that could befall them. They listen as we talk to one another in frightened or angry tones about what is happening in the world or with our neighbors. They see what we post on social media. They get the message repeatedly that the world is a scary and unsafe place. 

In a world perceived as dangerous and uncertain, safety has become the priority. This has had some positive results. Jean Twenge reports in her book, iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy—And Completely Unprepared for Adulthood, that there are several positive indicators of increased physical safety for kids and teens today. Homicide rates, sexual assault and rape, and alcohol consumption have all been on the decline. However, there are some other troubling statistics emerging. Depression, anxiety, and suicide among young people are on the rise. In fact, some experts believe that Gen Z is on the verge of a mental health crisis.  

Twenge explains how we have not only focused on physical safety for young people today, but also on emotional safety. We have taught them to be tolerant and that they should never be made to feel uncomfortable emotionally. As a result, many do not know how to handle criticism, conflict, or even conversation about tough issues in a healthy and constructive manner. Instead, many young people see words and social interactions as potentially dangerous and harmful.  

The emphasis on physical and emotional safety is promoting an aversion to any kind of risk or danger. We neglect to teach and model that it is in failing and experiencing pain that we realize how strong and resilient we are. Healthy conflict, disagreement, and dialogue are where we learn new things, gain diverse insights, and deepen our understanding of ourselves, others, and important issues. It is only through getting hurt that we can ever truly learn the beauty and power of forgiveness and healing. So, while safety is important, it can also be dangerous. Too much safety can strip young people (and the rest of us!) of desperately needed confidence, resilience, perspective, and hope. 
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So, how can we encourage young people in our lives to avoid the inherent risks of too much safety?  

• We need to model hope, courage, and resilience ourselves, through our conversation, attitudes, and actions. Kids are watching, listening, and learning from how we respond to the world and its uncertainty.  
• We can encourage them to take appropriate risks. With my 6-year-olds, this might mean encouraging them to climb that tree in our yard, rather than telling them to “get down, its too dangerous.” A broken arm will heal, a fear of adventure will cripple them forever. With a teenager, perhaps we insist they go on a service learning or mission trip without us, rather than staying “safely” at home playing video games. A broader understanding of the world through hands-on experience will increase their mental and emotional wellbeing in ways a game on a screen never can. 
• We need to challenge them to engage ideas that might feel uncomfortable. Turn off the devices for a car ride or dinner. Ask young people their thoughts on a current event, recent political development, or good book or movie. Ask open-ended questions that get them thinking and talking. Listen actively to what they are saying. Affirm insights and observations they make. Share some of your perspectives. Talk about how you value the perspectives of others who may disagree with you on this topic. Demonstrate the value of developing your own perspectives, while learning from others.  

In a few short years, Gen Z will be stepping into adulthood and leadership roles of their own. It is critical, as we prepare them, to ensure we are teaching them skills and perspectives that will help them thrive—physically, mentally, and emotionally—throughout their lives.  

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The following is a guest post by Dr. David Geisler, President, Norm Geisler International Ministries and an Adjunct Professor at Southern Evangelical Seminary.


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I remember that day! I was sitting on a bench at the student center watching others go to and from class and suddenly I started to cry. It became very clear to me at that moment that if any of these students didn’t accept Jesus Christ sometime in their brief life, their destiny would be finalized! By then it would matter little how well they did on their exams, or what kind of success they saw in their careers. Without Christ, they would all be separated from God for eternity.

Fortunately, witnessing back then seemed easier. There was a certain respect for the Bible, and students were open to hearing about Jesus. I remember reading a gospel booklet to a student in their dorm during that same time period, and the listener prayed to receive Christ that very day!  Sadly, that kind of approach doesn’t seem to work anymore. 

Why is that? Put succinctly, the gospel remains simple, getting to the gospel is not. Consider for example how many today view morality as a personal preference, like ice cream flavors. Some may prefer chocolate, others may prefer vanilla, but who can really say which one is better! That’s how some view moral choices. Yet reducing morality to a mere personal preferences makes many in our culture tone deaf to hearing the gospel message and blind to seeing it’s relevance to their life in any way!

Today, if we are going to effectively communicate the truth of the Christian message, simply repeating old formulas is not enough. We have to rethink our approach to witnessing, and include something else, called “pre-evangelism.”  Pre-evangelism is tilling the soil of their hearts and minds, removing the rocks and obstacles of disbelief, helping them to see how lost they are. After all, it’s hard for them to see their need for savior, when they don’t believe they have any sins to forgive!

One day a student said to me, “Why can’t God just let me into Heaven?” It was clear to me that in his question, his view of himself and of God was skewed. So many young people today will say that they believe in God, but then tend to overestimate their own righteousness, and underestimate God’s holiness.  These distortions in their beliefs make cultivating good soil for the gospel to flourish in their lives a much greater challenge (See Matthew 13:19-23).

This means at times, we may have to help others see the world through a biblical lens, before they can see any truth in the Christian message! Unfortunately however statistics show that we are failing this task! Today, 25% of Americans have no religious affiliation, and 45% of these are millennials!  Now helping others to see through a biblical lens means practically that we start by helping our non-believing friends recognize the distortions in their beliefs. The truth is that many have deceived themselves and believe they can explain moral goodness in general without reference to a belief in God! Other who say they believe in God may deceive themselves by overvaluing their own moral goodness, as well as undervaluing God’s moral standards or believe somehow that God grades on a curve. Some have even allowed certain distortions in their perception of God’s nature to develop a crippling undervaluation of the uniqueness of Jesus Christ. But if these distortions can be identified and removed, many will be more receptive to hearing about the Savior.

Last summer while training in Italy I had a conversation with a young skeptic. His question to me was this: “How can you believe the Bible when it was written by so many different people, who were imperfect?” Now, the truth I wanted him to understand is this: if God can do the big miracle, then He can do the little miracle.

Here was my question: “Would you agree that if there is a God who created the universe, then He’s powerful enough to ensure that what He wants to communicate to us reaches us, even through imperfect people?” His response to me was revealing. He said, “I see how that would make it less problematic.” He came to his own, unforced conclusion, a conclusion that he could not deny.

This illustration demonstrates the value at times of changing our old witnessing paradigm, and “allow others to surface the truth for themselves by asking them probing and thought-provoking questions.” (See our book Conversational Evangelism to learn this art!)  Very rarely today can we simply just tell people the truth directly. Most non-Christians are even offended when we try to “share with them” where they are wrong. They see our approach as downright offensive, maybe even evil for pushing our “truth!” So we must remember that even if we know what truth to communicate to people today, based on the questions and concerns they have, we still need to discern what’s really the best way for them to “see this truth for themselves.” This too is an important factor to keep in mind in reaching millennials today. Like the men of Issachar in 1 Chronicles 12:32, we too need to better understand the times in which we live, and know what we should do!
 
To better understand this pre-evangelism paradigm, check out our book, Conversational Evangelism and our web-sites ( www.ngim.org/speaking and www.conversationalevangelism.com and www.conversationalanswers.com ) and our new channel www.vimeo.com/davidgeisler.

​A recent study revealed that 18 to 22-year-olds are the loneliest age group today. There are a variety of factors that contribute to this troubling statistic. One, of course, is the prevalent use of technology in our society today. While devices help us connect to people in new and beneficial ways, there are some drawbacks. Empathy, for example, has decreased as technology has increased. One study reported that college students are 40 percent less empathetic than they were 20 or 30 years ago, prior to the widespread use of the internet. Screens dull our ability to feel the pain and joy of others and to connect with them emotionally. This presents a threat to deep, committed relationships that are impossible to maintain without continuing empathetic interaction.

While Millennials and Generation Z are especially adept at communicating online, valuable intimacy often gets lost in virtual communications. Quantified Communications reports that an average adult today makes eye contact between 30 and 60 percent of the time in conversation, but emotional connection is built when eye contact is made during 60 to 70 percent of the conversation. When there is less eye contact, fewer connections are made. Virtual connections, while valuable, cannot replace the emotional connection and sense of well being that occurs with eye contact, touch, and physical presence.

Leaders and managers today often report that young staff lack the relational skills and emotional intelligence to connect with others effectively. In many ways, it is the older generations who must take responsibility for this. When we hand a 5-year-old a device instead of answering their tenth question about giraffes or princesses, we rob them of an opportunity to develop face-to-face communication skills and connect with us in a way that is meaningful to them. When we miss the body language or facial expressions of a 10 or 12-year-old in our life because we are busy checking our social media feed, we lose the opportunity to model good emotional intelligence. When we avoid a conversation with an 18 or 20-year-old in our life because we assume their earbuds mean they don’t want to talk to us, or we fear rejection, we miss an opportunity to demonstrate sincere interest or unconditional love.

Young people today need opportunities to practice healthy relational skills, and they desperately need to see them modeled. Many leaders, mentors, teachers and parents I talk to, however, do not know even where to start in actively engaging the young people in their lives. What I have found, in interacting regularly with 5 to 25-year-olds, is that there is great power in a good question and active listening. I have yet to encounter a young person who did not respond positively to someone sincerely asking about their perspectives and concerns. True, there might be an eye roll or two at first, but when they see you persist in your interest in them, despite their eye roll, trust and respect begin to develop.

So, what does a good question entail? First of all, it must be open-ended. If it allows the young person to respond with a simple “yes,” “no,” “good” or “bad,” a grunt or sigh, it is not a good question. Instead, it should require some thoughtfulness. Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day at school?” try something like “What was the best part of your day at school?” The response to a good question should give you some insight into the young person’s life and provide an opportunity for a follow up question. For example, if they respond that the best part of their day was chatting with a friend, you could follow up with a question like, “Tell me about your friend? How did you meet?” A good question can thus communicate that you care about what they care about. Check out some other great sample questions here.

Good questions are one of the most powerful ways to demonstrate interest, gain empathy, and develop deep connections. As a result, they are a critical tool for all of us as we interact in a society that is increasingly distracted and busy. Make it a goal to practice asking good questions and taking the time to listen actively to the responses. 

The following is a guest post by Josiah Kennealy. Visit the Facebook page to learn more about his book Debtless and find more great tips.

Over the past five years, I have met with many college students, young couples and young adults who are drowning in debt and struggling financially because of student loans. I recently completed my master’s degree — graduating debt-free — and focused my capstone project on this topic. My colleagues and I surveyed 850 college students from more than 200 different colleges and universities in over 40 states. We published the findings in the book Debtless.
 
Not surprisingly, the results showed that college debt is a huge problem. We found that over 39 percent of current college students have no idea how much they owe in student loans. Based on our research, current students have taken on an average of $26,659 in debt — and haven’t graduated yet! Nearly 40 percent of students surveyed said no one informed them about alternatives to student loans.
 
I want to share with you three tips that will help you pay for college, take on less debt, and pursue your dreams with passion!
 
1. Investigate!
 
College is expensive. Every situation is different because each student has a different desire of what his or her future dreams hold. In addition, every family has a different financial situation based on jobs, income level, and life events.
 
Research and due diligence is your job. I recommend that students in high school visit their school’s office to set up a meeting with their school counselor. One you’ve done that, you want to talk to the admissions offices of every school you’re applying for. This can help you figure out things like FAFSA, which is a form family’s fill out to apply for financial aid in the form of grants and government helps.  
 
Similar to researching the costs of different college and university options and learning what forms of financial aid are available is applying for outside scholarships. What scholarships do you qualify for? There are a few free websites I recommend: fastweb is one of the best. (You shouldn’t have to pay for any of them). I recently talked with a high school principle who has a community fund with $100,000 awarded in scholarships annually, but some years not all of it is given out because students don’t apply for it!
 
Lastly, could you work while you’re in school? I worked at least 25 hours per week throughout college during the school year and more over summer break. This allowed me to pay as I went for school.
 
Looking back, one of the scholarships I’m most thankful I applied for was actually in my last semester of undergrad. I applied for a fully funded summer study abroad trip to Israel/The Holy Land. To take this trip out of pocket would have been in the neighborhood of $10,000 and also gave me graduate studies credits. I was awarded the trip and it was life changing for me to walk where Jesus walked and has been invaluable to me as a pastor in ministry. It never hurts to apply!
 
What are some ways you could increase the amount of money you have?
 
2. Ideate!
 
This is coming up with your own game plan and road map to success. Again, every student’s experience is going to be different and every family of origin is different to begin with. If you find yourself particularly overwhelmed or stressed out, just know you can do it!
 
For some people, it makes sense to earn college credit while they are in high school still through AP courses, PSEO, IB and other college in the school programs.
 
Another opportunity to think about is spending your first year or two at a community college and later transferring to a four—year public or private university. This is a way you can cut the cost overall, and generally community college students can live at home in addition to work. This can be a tri-fecta! Lower cost to classes, live at home rent free, and work to pay bills and save towards the future.
 
I always remind families that if you serve in the military for four years, the GI Bill covers the cost of courses and living expenses for your undergraduate degree.
 
à My favorite tip to offer about paying for college is to buy your textbooks from Amazon instead of the bookstore on campus! My first year, I spent around $600 both semesters to buy brand new books on campus. My last few years, I discovered I could buy the same books used on Amazon for a fraction of the cost. This saved me at least $400 per semester.
 
What are some ways you could cut the cost?
 
3. Collaborate!
 
If you are a first generation college student, (and 25% of students are in 2018) one of the things I would say to you is you can do it and you’re not alone. Mentors, youth pastors, parents, teachers, and counselors are people you can let in on the process. Work together! Maybe this process begins for you by calling a cousin or friend who’s a current college student and asking them about their experience.
 
Chris Brown (financial expert and nationally syndicated radio show host) recently said that 80% of parents expect their child to graduate with student loans. I’m here to tell you that graduating debt free is completely possible and now that you’re on this journey, graduating with less debt is extremely likely!
 
My greatest takeaway from grad school was learning how to build a great team. This applies to leading a ministry of volunteers, or leading a large company filled with workers. It also applies to you as you go into the next season of life. Build a dream-team that has mentors, teachers, advisors, coaches and family members who can help you get to where you want to go.
 
I wrote the book Debtless for you and our team created a 12-week YouTube video series with more tips on how to pay for college as well! You can add me to your team of people cheering you on, believing that you can do it and passing along helpful information in the process. My heartbeat and passion is to add value to the lives of young people in America and equipping them with the resources necessary to succeed!
 
In my situation, I wanted to graduate with no debt. I knew it would be a challenge. One of the things my parents offered to team up with me was to live at home for free. I was able to commute back and forth to the university I went to since my parents lived less than 15 miles away. As an extrovert, this was a major sacrifice, but as I brainstormed creative ways to cut costs, this made a lot of sense and saved a ton of money for me.
 
When you are willing to sacrifice to minimize the total cost and expense, work to raise your income, and involve other people in the process you are on the path to success!