​A recent study revealed that 18 to 22-year-olds are the loneliest age group today. There are a variety of factors that contribute to this troubling statistic. One, of course, is the prevalent use of technology in our society today. While devices help us connect to people in new and beneficial ways, there are some drawbacks. Empathy, for example, has decreased as technology has increased. One study reported that college students are 40 percent less empathetic than they were 20 or 30 years ago, prior to the widespread use of the internet. Screens dull our ability to feel the pain and joy of others and to connect with them emotionally. This presents a threat to deep, committed relationships that are impossible to maintain without continuing empathetic interaction.

While Millennials and Generation Z are especially adept at communicating online, valuable intimacy often gets lost in virtual communications. Quantified Communications reports that an average adult today makes eye contact between 30 and 60 percent of the time in conversation, but emotional connection is built when eye contact is made during 60 to 70 percent of the conversation. When there is less eye contact, fewer connections are made. Virtual connections, while valuable, cannot replace the emotional connection and sense of well being that occurs with eye contact, touch, and physical presence.

Leaders and managers today often report that young staff lack the relational skills and emotional intelligence to connect with others effectively. In many ways, it is the older generations who must take responsibility for this. When we hand a 5-year-old a device instead of answering their tenth question about giraffes or princesses, we rob them of an opportunity to develop face-to-face communication skills and connect with us in a way that is meaningful to them. When we miss the body language or facial expressions of a 10 or 12-year-old in our life because we are busy checking our social media feed, we lose the opportunity to model good emotional intelligence. When we avoid a conversation with an 18 or 20-year-old in our life because we assume their earbuds mean they don’t want to talk to us, or we fear rejection, we miss an opportunity to demonstrate sincere interest or unconditional love.

Young people today need opportunities to practice healthy relational skills, and they desperately need to see them modeled. Many leaders, mentors, teachers and parents I talk to, however, do not know even where to start in actively engaging the young people in their lives. What I have found, in interacting regularly with 5 to 25-year-olds, is that there is great power in a good question and active listening. I have yet to encounter a young person who did not respond positively to someone sincerely asking about their perspectives and concerns. True, there might be an eye roll or two at first, but when they see you persist in your interest in them, despite their eye roll, trust and respect begin to develop.

So, what does a good question entail? First of all, it must be open-ended. If it allows the young person to respond with a simple “yes,” “no,” “good” or “bad,” a grunt or sigh, it is not a good question. Instead, it should require some thoughtfulness. Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day at school?” try something like “What was the best part of your day at school?” The response to a good question should give you some insight into the young person’s life and provide an opportunity for a follow up question. For example, if they respond that the best part of their day was chatting with a friend, you could follow up with a question like, “Tell me about your friend? How did you meet?” A good question can thus communicate that you care about what they care about. Check out some other great sample questions here.

Good questions are one of the most powerful ways to demonstrate interest, gain empathy, and develop deep connections. As a result, they are a critical tool for all of us as we interact in a society that is increasingly distracted and busy. Make it a goal to practice asking good questions and taking the time to listen actively to the responses. 

The following is a guest post by Josiah Kennealy. Visit the Facebook page to learn more about his book Debtless and find more great tips.

Over the past five years, I have met with many college students, young couples and young adults who are drowning in debt and struggling financially because of student loans. I recently completed my master’s degree — graduating debt-free — and focused my capstone project on this topic. My colleagues and I surveyed 850 college students from more than 200 different colleges and universities in over 40 states. We published the findings in the book Debtless.
 
Not surprisingly, the results showed that college debt is a huge problem. We found that over 39 percent of current college students have no idea how much they owe in student loans. Based on our research, current students have taken on an average of $26,659 in debt — and haven’t graduated yet! Nearly 40 percent of students surveyed said no one informed them about alternatives to student loans.
 
I want to share with you three tips that will help you pay for college, take on less debt, and pursue your dreams with passion!
 
1. Investigate!
 
College is expensive. Every situation is different because each student has a different desire of what his or her future dreams hold. In addition, every family has a different financial situation based on jobs, income level, and life events.
 
Research and due diligence is your job. I recommend that students in high school visit their school’s office to set up a meeting with their school counselor. One you’ve done that, you want to talk to the admissions offices of every school you’re applying for. This can help you figure out things like FAFSA, which is a form family’s fill out to apply for financial aid in the form of grants and government helps.  
 
Similar to researching the costs of different college and university options and learning what forms of financial aid are available is applying for outside scholarships. What scholarships do you qualify for? There are a few free websites I recommend: fastweb is one of the best. (You shouldn’t have to pay for any of them). I recently talked with a high school principle who has a community fund with $100,000 awarded in scholarships annually, but some years not all of it is given out because students don’t apply for it!
 
Lastly, could you work while you’re in school? I worked at least 25 hours per week throughout college during the school year and more over summer break. This allowed me to pay as I went for school.
 
Looking back, one of the scholarships I’m most thankful I applied for was actually in my last semester of undergrad. I applied for a fully funded summer study abroad trip to Israel/The Holy Land. To take this trip out of pocket would have been in the neighborhood of $10,000 and also gave me graduate studies credits. I was awarded the trip and it was life changing for me to walk where Jesus walked and has been invaluable to me as a pastor in ministry. It never hurts to apply!
 
What are some ways you could increase the amount of money you have?
 
2. Ideate!
 
This is coming up with your own game plan and road map to success. Again, every student’s experience is going to be different and every family of origin is different to begin with. If you find yourself particularly overwhelmed or stressed out, just know you can do it!
 
For some people, it makes sense to earn college credit while they are in high school still through AP courses, PSEO, IB and other college in the school programs.
 
Another opportunity to think about is spending your first year or two at a community college and later transferring to a four—year public or private university. This is a way you can cut the cost overall, and generally community college students can live at home in addition to work. This can be a tri-fecta! Lower cost to classes, live at home rent free, and work to pay bills and save towards the future.
 
I always remind families that if you serve in the military for four years, the GI Bill covers the cost of courses and living expenses for your undergraduate degree.
 
à My favorite tip to offer about paying for college is to buy your textbooks from Amazon instead of the bookstore on campus! My first year, I spent around $600 both semesters to buy brand new books on campus. My last few years, I discovered I could buy the same books used on Amazon for a fraction of the cost. This saved me at least $400 per semester.
 
What are some ways you could cut the cost?
 
3. Collaborate!
 
If you are a first generation college student, (and 25% of students are in 2018) one of the things I would say to you is you can do it and you’re not alone. Mentors, youth pastors, parents, teachers, and counselors are people you can let in on the process. Work together! Maybe this process begins for you by calling a cousin or friend who’s a current college student and asking them about their experience.
 
Chris Brown (financial expert and nationally syndicated radio show host) recently said that 80% of parents expect their child to graduate with student loans. I’m here to tell you that graduating debt free is completely possible and now that you’re on this journey, graduating with less debt is extremely likely!
 
My greatest takeaway from grad school was learning how to build a great team. This applies to leading a ministry of volunteers, or leading a large company filled with workers. It also applies to you as you go into the next season of life. Build a dream-team that has mentors, teachers, advisors, coaches and family members who can help you get to where you want to go.
 
I wrote the book Debtless for you and our team created a 12-week YouTube video series with more tips on how to pay for college as well! You can add me to your team of people cheering you on, believing that you can do it and passing along helpful information in the process. My heartbeat and passion is to add value to the lives of young people in America and equipping them with the resources necessary to succeed!
 
In my situation, I wanted to graduate with no debt. I knew it would be a challenge. One of the things my parents offered to team up with me was to live at home for free. I was able to commute back and forth to the university I went to since my parents lived less than 15 miles away. As an extrovert, this was a major sacrifice, but as I brainstormed creative ways to cut costs, this made a lot of sense and saved a ton of money for me.
 
When you are willing to sacrifice to minimize the total cost and expense, work to raise your income, and involve other people in the process you are on the path to success!

The following is a guest post by Bill Mann, who writes and speaks on inter-generational mentoring.

When people approach me about mentoring, I usually tell them that one of the key ingredients to being a successful mentor is to put your pride in your back pocket and take a large dose of humility. Just like a vitamin, humility goes a long way to forge a relationship with the next generation.
Every relationship has at least four levels of communication. These levels are separate and usually are done sequentially. The levels are:

• Fact – sharing a fact such as “today is Wednesday”.
• Opinion – sharing your opinion about a topic such as “Wednesday is the worst day of the week”.
• Feeling – sharing your feelings such as “I hate Wednesdays”.
• Transparency – Sharing that “I have difficulty with Wednesdays because it reminds me of my father’s recent death”.

Rarely does one get to the transparency level. Women reach feeling much faster than men, and most men get stuck at communicating at the opinion level. Think about your conversations with your friends, and I think you will realize how accurate this is. Part of that, I think, is that we fear being vulnerable and admit our insecurities and mistakes.
Why is this important? Well, one of the highest values of the next generation is that they crave authenticity. They want to interact with people who are real with them and willing to share their lives – both the good and the bad.  That, of course, requires mentors to develop an ability to be transparent. 

Regi Campbell writes a weekly blog for Radical Mentoring. In a recent blog, he observed that the intensity of young people increases when your stories are about failure you have experienced.  They don’t take well to what he calls “victory laps” which often looks like self-promotion than being authentic. I agree.

Regi ascribes the power of “failure stories” to the following (I have added one at the end):

• Authenticity – Your failures taught you lessons of what you did wrong and what you learned, as well as what you would do differently the next time. Mentees can’t get that information from any other source. They see you as real and authentic, and become more willing to listen to other stuff.
• Approachability – You drop your guard by telling them that you aren’t perfect yet you managed to succeed despite your own shortcomings. It is an expression of humility which goes a long way to being more accessible.
• Emotion – Regi suggests that all decisions are made at an emotional level. Most meaningful learning is the result of engaging ones’ emotions, including emotions of pain, embarrassment or remorse when things go badly.
• Value – Mistakes are costly, thus valuable because it leads to wisdom gained from a painful experience. There’s value in that.
• Believability – Most mentees won’t connect with your success stories – they can’t relate to your achievements, but they can relate to your shortcomings. They can see that their success can be accomplished despite setbacks and failure along the way.
• Challenging – Young people look up to a leader who shares his failures and shortcomings. It may be the start of helping them believe in themselves and realize their own potential. They also see “the chance to stand on the shoulders of one who’s gone where he wants to go.”
• Transparency – Sharing personal failures gets the level of communication past Fact, Opinion and Feeling in a hurry. If you are willing to show humility and transparency, your mentee will develop trust and be transparent in return.

 
The challenge is straightforward.  Mentors need to be willing to express humility and vulnerability to their mentees.  They want to know that you messed up, and that you learned from your mistakes.  They will make their own mistakes, but possibly not the same ones you did. In addition, you will develop an ability to communicate at a deeper level. 

As a sophomore in college, I served as a student leader. Our team was responsible for providing peer mentoring, planning student programs, and helping with various campus activities. We were volunteers, with leadership responsibilities piled on top of classes, homework, and part-time jobs. It was important for us to stay focused on the goal. One of our team leaders often encouraged us by saying, “It’s all about the one!” It didn’t matter if attendance at an event was low, if one lonely student came and found community and new friends, it was worth it. If we had a test looming the next day, but a student struggling with depression showed up at our door, giving up some sleep and taking time to encourage her was meaningful. That slogan helped keep us focused on how critical investing in just one person can be!
​
Our culture is obsessed with numbers as indicators of success.  We measure success as the amount in the budget; the number of customers, guests, sales or conversions; or the size of our facilities. While there are great reasons for this, it can also be a distraction. I am often asked how to create a successful leadership development or ministry program for youth and young adults. Mass methods are only marginally effective. The best way to engage with and develop a young person is one-on-one, or in small teams and communities. Millennials and Generation Z have access to information unlike any other generation in the history of the world. They don’t need another great program; they need to process. Indeed, the number one predictor of a young person retaining their faith is a meaningful relationship with an older believer. Trusted mentors and friends and safe spaces in the frenzied worlds of youth today can provide opportunities for the development of strong values and convictions.

I call this period that we are in the “season of a remnant.” Regardless of your setting, it is unlikely that we will accomplish significant change or impact in young lives and perspectives through large group trainings, conferences, or classes. Relationships, community and meaningful conversation are where the most formative experiences occur. Wondering why a young people has a specific political view?  Engage them in a conversation (not a lecture!) about it. Wanting to instill an essential character trait or leadership quality in a young mentee? Model it for them, inviting them to share in a meaningful leadership experience. Hoping to share faith or truth with a generation that desperately needs it? Begin with “the one” or a few…a remnant.

Will and Ariel Durant, Pulitzer-prize winning historians, in discussing the inevitable decline of civilizations, write the following: “Nations die. Old regions grow arid, or suffer other change. Resilient man picks up his tools and his arts, and moves on, taking his memories with him.” I often reflect on this statement and think about my students and my children, their children and grandchildren.  As the civilization we belong to undergoes change, what tools and memories do we want young people to possess as they move on to a new or changed civilization? What tools do we want to ensure they carry with them into an uncertain future? There will always be a resilient remnant and equipping them means we sometimes have to remain focused on “the one!”       

I have taught leadership courses for many years.  It always amazes me to read student essays on who has greatly influenced them.  Most of the time, they write about family or friends.  These influential people are seldom rich, famous, or powerful.  They sometimes live far away or are seen infrequently.  To read students’ writing about grandparents, aunts, uncles or friends who have greatly impacted them, I am reminded of the importance of our relationships with family and friends.  The holidays is a time of the year when we often see people who live far away or are busy other times of the year.  As a result, interactions during Christmas gatherings can be awkward, forced or uncomfortable at times.  If there is dysfunction or hurt in the family, it makes it even more difficult to have meaningful conversations.  Nonetheless, these events provide invaluable opportunities to mentor and encourage.  Our attitudes, behaviors, and responses influence and communicate regardless of our intent, especially to kids, youth, and young adults in our family circles.  So, as we begin this season of celebration, here are a few tips to remember as we seek meaningful interactions this Christmas.

1.  Ask open-ended questions!  We often ask questions that produce one word responses.  For example, “How is school going?”  “What is your favorite class?”  After the person responds, “good,” and “calculus,” there is an awkward pause and the conversation ends.  Instead, ask family and friends questions that demonstrate you really care to know what is going on in their lives.  For example, “What has been most rewarding or challenging about your studies/sports team/job this year?”  “What was a significant accomplishment this year?”  “What is a goal you want to accomplish next year?”  When they respond to your initial question, if appropriate, affirm what they said and ask a follow-up question to show you are truly listening and care to know more. 
2. Listen more, talk less!  Often when someone shares an experience, we immediately want to offer our perspective or tell a similar story from our own lives.  While sometimes appropriate, this often redirects the focus from the other person back to ourselves.  As much as possible, demonstrate you are truly interested in what is happening in the lives of those around you, and wait for questions from them to invite conversation about your own life and experiences. 
3. Embrace imperfection!  In families or situations where authentic relationships and conversations seldom occur, trying to engage in meaningful interactions can be a challenge.  Sometimes your attempt to show interest in someone’s life will be greeted with surprise or disinterest.  Don’t take offense.  Building relationships is seldom perfect.  It is a success that you made the effort, and that will likely stick with the individual regardless of their response to you in the moment. 
4. Follow up meaningful interactions!  After a sincere conversation, individuals may feel vulnerable or regret that the interaction is over.  Following up those conversations can develop trust and demonstrate you were listening and care.  It does not have to be elaborate.  For example, after a conversation with your nephew about a difficult supervisor at work, text him a couple of weeks later to ask how it is going, or next time you see him, tell him you have been praying for him and that situation.       

This Christmas, we each have an opportunity to pursue positive and meaningful interactions with family and friends, especially young people who will inevitably take something (positive or negative!) away from watching, listening and talking to us.  These mentoring moments with the young adults, teenagers and kids in our lives may leave a lasting impression they will write about one day in an essay.  Be intentional in your attitudes, behaviors and words…listening, encouragement and love may be the best gifts you give this Christmas!  

​The following is a guest post by Rebecca Hopkins, an American writer, wife to a relief pilot, member of a cross cultural team, and mama to three kids—while living in beautiful, friendly Indonesia.  

“We have this whole sky to ourselves.”

My husband, Brad, wasn’t exaggerating. He was flying a small Cessna 185 float plane in the central Borneo jungle, landing on winding rivers, dodging canoes and gold miners.  On that day, he was the only pilot out there, answering medical evacuation calls from remote Indonesian villages, carrying passengers in just one hour to save them a journey that would take hours, even days on rivers and jungle roads.
“It’s pretty cool where a float plane will take you, isn’t it?” he said.

We know, however, that this magic of connecting communities to important resources happens because that one float plane is just one part of a team. That team includes the flight followers in the office, the airstrip agents in the villages that weigh passengers, the donors in other countries, our headquarters that does so much, and other pilots and staff members who’ve invested many years into this work.

And for our team to be successful in this high-stakes job of relief aviation, we need trust.

Trust should be built, not assumed

Sometimes trust is assumed, based on a shared foundation of beliefs, goals and purpose. That’s a good start. But having a growth mindset with trust—that it’s built, not only assumed—creates both a stronger trust and gives a way to deal with broken trust.

“Team leaders and members will often want their teams to quickly pour their trust into their latest idea or plan,” writes
“The Teaming Church” author Robert C. Crosby. “But it is something that is built and added to with every task accomplished, every promise kept and every concern addressed.”

Younger generations less likely to trust

This need to build trust seems more urgent now than ever. A 2014 Pew Center survey shows that younger generations are less likely to trust than their older counterparts.

To this question: “Generally, speaking, would you say that most people can be trusted or that you can’t be too careful in dealing with people,” 19 percent of Millennials chose trust. Thirty-one percent of Gen Xers were willing to trust, compared to 40 percent of Boomers.

Advice on building trust

That caution to trust can provide an opportunity to utilize good building blocks of trust.
Accountability, vulnerability, forgiveness, grace, open dialogue and prayer are all important, according to Erik Plantenga in a blog post titled “The Trust Factor in Multicultural Teams.” 

David Sedlacek in Christianity Today’s “Teams in Missions: Are they worth It?” lists questions teams can ask each other: Mission – Why are we a team? Goals – What will we do? Roles – What do my teammates and I do? Communication – How do we relate to each other? Decision-Making – How do we make decisions? Conflict – How do we handle conflict?”

Another simple one that both leaders and staff members can ask before they act: Is this (policy, decision, etc.) building trust or breaking down trust?

Different cultures, genders and generations require different trust-building blocks

But the answers themselves aren’t always straightforward and take team discussion to recognize different needs.
“Cultural differences play a key role in the creation of trust, since trust is built in different ways, and means different things around the world,” write Ira Asherman, John W. Bing, Ed. D and Lionel Laroche, Ph.D., P.E. for global consulting firm ITAP international in their article, “Building Trust Across Cultural Boundaries.” 

When trust is broken

 “In our 20-plus years of research, we’ve discovered that 90 percent of the behaviors that break trust are unintentional and subtle,” write Dennis and Michelle Reina,  co-founders of Reina, A Trust-Building Consultancy that has worked for companies like Johnson & Johnson, the U.S. Army and Harvard. “We’ve seen that these trust-breaking behaviors occur on a daily basis and are committed by everyone, at every level of responsibility, and within every form of professional relationship. While people know they need trust in their workplaces, most still aren’t sure how to restore trust once it’s been lost.”

In a Christian organizational context, offering forgiveness might be a response to broken trust. While this is an important piece of moving away from bitterness, it doesn’t, alone, rebuild trust.

The Reinas list such steps as “Observe and acknowledge what happened.” “Allow feelings to surface.” “Get and give support.” “Take responsibility,” in addition to forgiveness, and finally, “letting go and moving on” armed with deeper knowledge and growth resulting from the incident.

Vulnerable situations require built trust

A 2007 Pew report supports that “people who feel vulnerable or disadvantaged, for whatever reason, tend to find it riskier to trust because they’re less well-fortified to deal with the consequences of misplaced trust.” Organizations can look at times when its members or users are feeling vulnerable to make sure the policies in place build trust. How are transitions handled? How are health concerns dealt with? How are times of changing leadership addressed in a trust-building fashion?
         
Some of Brad’s passengers could easily fall into the category of “vulnerable or disadvantaged” as they’re strapped to a stretcher, or step into that plane carrying a sick child. They’re entering both a float plane…and trust that has been built over time, through intentional decisions by lots of people. And in many cases, lives are saved.

I think you could say, it’s pretty cool where trust—and not just float planes—can take you.

Given the emphasis on productivity in our culture, saying we need to be unproductive may sound counter intuitive. Some of the greatest tips for success in life do!  I recently discovered again the significance of seemingly unproductive time.  As a mommy of twin preschoolers, who also stays busy speaking, teaching and writing, I usually find myself multi-tasking excessively.  I strategically schedule time to write during naps, squeezing in a load of laundry while taking a break to refill my coffee.  Talking on the phone while walking the trails by our house allows me to have a quick workout, get some fresh air and catch up with a friend or colleague all at the same time!  I have even left projects out on the table to work on should the girls wake up in the middle of the night!  This pace often leaves me mentally and emotionally exhausted.  

Recently, I read an article discussing Google’s 80/20 concept, where employees are encouraged to spend 20 percent of their work hours doing whatever they want.  Why would a major company propse such a policy?  They know the benefits of rest, daydreaming and amusement.  Down time can increase problem-solving, creativity, concentration and well-being.  In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey’s seventh habit is that of balanced self-renewal, or what he calls “sharpening the saw.”  He emphasizes intentionally renewing our physical, spiritual, mental, and social/emotional wellbeing.  Covey explains, “This is the single most powerful investment we can ever make in life—investment in ourselves, in the only instrument we have with which to deal with life and to contribute…we need to recognize the importance of taking time regularly to sharpen the saw.”  While such a statement may sound selfish, it rings true.  An exhausted, overworked, distracted individual has little to offer to anyone in his or her life.  

While on a walk with my husband, daughters and dog, we came to a small lake.  While my husband scratched the dog and talked to the girls, I walked out to the end of a dock and sat down.  The rustling of the leaves tickled my ears and the peacefulness of the water captured my gaze.  I felt my body begin to relax and happy memories of summers fishing with my grandparents flooded my mind, bringing a smile to my face.  My husband asked if I wanted to continue walking.  I answered, “No, I am just going to sit here!”  I needed to capture that moment!  In this season of life, I may not be able to spend 20 percent of my time daydreaming or even engage in regular activities to “sharpen my saw,” but I can take 7 ½ minutes to enjoy the stillness of the sun reflecting on the water before the kids start to fuss, or read three pages from my favorite book before drifting off to sleep at night.  As we enjoy the busyness of the upcoming holiday season, be sure to pause and soak up some moments of peace and reflection. These moments may prove to be the most productive in the day!